Unforeseen Events
by kirsty2765
Summary: This story takes place in season 7. Tony has already broken up with Kathleen. Angela is still dating Andy.
1. Chapter 1

**Unforeseen Events**

_Disclaimer: I'm not the owner of the characters of WTB, I own nothing, no copyright infringement intended_

Chapter 1

Tony's days passed monotonous and uneventful. Since he had broken up with Kathleen he had stayed home every night, hoping he could spend more time with Angela again. He missed her terribly. Everything had changed since that awful night when he had messed up their almost seven years working relationship. He would never be able to forget the moment when they talked in the kitchen. _Is it over?_ She had asked him and he couldn't find the right words to answer. So he said he didn't know. From that moment things would never be the same. Her face, her beautiful face had expressed everything. At first disbelief, then fear, then sorrow, then pain. She had turned to the stove and looked down. The doorbell rang and he had waited. He wanted to say so much more but the words didn't come out. He saw her shaking and her suppressed tears. One minute had changed his world. And hers. That was months ago, now he wanted her back.

Not so Angela. She was going out three or four times a week with Andy. Her relationship with him grew more and more serious and lasted much longer than he had anticipated; she seemed to be happy and content. Tony was worried about that. Not that he didn't want to see her happy, quite the contrary, in a way he was relieved that she found happiness again. If only it just wouldn't hurt him so much. After he broke up with Kathleen he expected Andy to vanish to the singles market in maybe a few weeks and Angela and he could go back to their life before. He knew that it wouldn't be easy, but he was confident that someday she could forgive him his betrayal and they could live happily ever after. Oh boy, he was somewhat mistaken. She didn't think to break up with Andy. Not at all. Time passed by and Andy was still in the picture. Even more horrifying: his presence was palpable everywhere. He wasn't a bad guy. He was successful, handsome and he worshipped the ground Angela walked on. Angela deserved a man like him. Someone who picked her the stars from the sky.

Tony couldn't even remember the last time he had been alone with her. She avoided being alone with him. Most of the time he was unable to sleep and spent his time studying for his upcoming exams. Only a few more weeks and he would be done with college. He eagerly awaited the time because in his secret dreams he saw Angela coming back to him after his graduation. Now he wasn't sure about it, strictly speaking, nothing was sure anymore. Tony had never such a worse time in his whole life except perhaps when Marie, his wife, had died. He felt lonely and missed talking to Angela and spending evenings with her. Sometimes, when he lay alone in his bed waiting for her soft steps on the stairs he thought it couldn't get any worse, but one night he realized he was wrong.

Tony had sunk into a light sleep when he heard her squeaking bedroom door. He had avoided oiling the door hinges because it gave him the best opportunity to determine when Angela came home. He didn't want to spy on her but he was always relieved knowing she had returned home safely. So far she had come home at an appropriate time after every date. Looking at his watch he realized it was early in the morning. 3.50 am. At first he thought his eyes played a trick on him. He rubbed them and looked again. Nothing had changed, the clock hands were unmistakable. Tony jumped out of his bed and opened his door. He caught Angela before she could shut her door.

"Angela, it's late. Is everything okay?"

She became frightened at his sudden voice.

"Oh, Tony. Sorry, I woke you up."

Tony left his room and crossed the hallway stopping in front of her. He noticed her tired face, her sad eyes and he suddenly realized that she was avoiding coming home early because meeting him made her uncomfortable.

"You need more sleep, Angela. You should come home earlier." He tried to be friendly and protective but had rather wanted to ask her where she had been that long.

"Yes, I know, but I had a very important night, well… I'll tell you tomorrow. Good night, Tony."

"Does that mean you'll find time to talk to me?" he asked softly and hopefully.

"Yeah, uh… I need to talk to you," she replied.

"Okay, good night, Angela." Tony stepped back to his door and with a last look in each other's eyes they closed their doors simultaneously. Tony couldn't find his way back to sleep. He tossed and turned and when his alarm clock rang at six he had barely slept five minutes. A quick shower restored his usual vigor and he went downstairs, ready to prepare breakfast for everyone. The family at the table was smaller after Sam's move out but he had still to feed Jonathan and Mona in addition to Angela. One by one they entered the kitchen and at seven everyone had taken their place. Angela was pale like a ghost and nervous. Her eyes glanced feverishly. The lack of sleep had taken its toll on her. After the usual conversation like "could you hand me the butter?" Angela leaned back in her chair and folded her hands in front of herself.

"I have something to announce," she paused shortly when all eyes were set on her, "there will be some changes in this household in a few weeks."

"Are we getting a bigger TV," Mona asked jokingly, "or have you finally ended things with Andy, the deadhead?" That could be the reason for her bad appearance.

Jonathan didn't say a word. The tension between his mom and Tony had been excruciating the past weeks and he hoped secretly that his grandma was right. He knew it had been a big mistake when Tony dated that blonde with the odd blue eyes but it was short-lived. His mother meanwhile had been seeing Andy for months. He looked at his mom but her eyes weren't giving anything away.

Tony on the other hand didn't believe in a separation of the two of them. Not after Angela came home that late last night and his premonition didn't deceive him.

"What I wanted to say is…," Angela looked around to her family members, "you all know, Andy and I have been dating for several months and he…," she looked around the table, "he proposed to me last night. I'm getting married again."

None of them said a word. It was so quiet that one could hear a pin drop. Mona plucked up courage first.

"Well dear, have you thought about it enough? I haven't seen you writing a list with pros and cons. That's what you usually do when it comes to _The M Word_, don't you?" Mona was terribly worried about her daughter. "I could be a great help with the cons, dear. Boring, besotted but bonkers, bad bargain and that's only three with b."

Jonathan couldn't believe what he heard from his mother. "I think you are doing the wrong thing mom." He shoved his chair away and left the kitchen without another word.

Mona rose as well. "I hate to say it but our smart boy is right, dear. Don't jump the gun, Angela." With a last glance to Tony who sat pale and motionless on his chair she left the room as well.

Both looked at their plates. Tony's mind was in a haze and the pain in his chest was almost physically palpable. If this was what she had felt after his incident with Kathleen he would never make things better between them. He had certainly lost any chance.

"I should congratulate you," he whispered sadly, "but I … I can't." He jumped from his chair which dropped backwards and ran through the swinging door.

Angela looked after him and went over to set up his chair. This wasn't what she expected. She thought that Jonathan and Mona liked Andy; not as much as they liked Tony but enough to be happy for her. And Tony? She wasn't sure about him. From the time he had gotten together with Kathleen she felt like she was living on a different planet. Before that horrible morning when he told her that he had slept with that girl she thought they shared a path. Learning that she was wrong had hardened her emotions and after dating a few men she had met Andy. Tony had split up with Kathleen for unknown reasons and had displayed an overprotective and possessive behavior toward her. After knowing Andy better and better she was sure she was doing the right thing. She had given up her dreams about Tony and a life with him, it was out of reach. She was tired of waiting for him, tired of his indecisiveness. Andy was nothing but patient and loving. He deserved to be happy and she was sure she could make him happy. But could he make her happy too? At least she wasn't that weighed down anymore. Fate, however, had seemingly not much more in store for her than contentment.

Gasping, Tony entered his room. For weeks he had a pressure in his chest that now grew to pain that was almost too difficult to bear. Finally the thing he was most afraid of happened. He was going to lose Angela to another man and everything was his own fault. He had to get out of here. Slipping into a shirt and sweat pants he left the house unnoticed and started a long jog but he couldn't get the picture of Andy and Angela in front of the wedding altar out of his head. There were decisions to make. Painful decisions. There was no way that he was going to live under the same roof with that happily married couple. There was only one thing he could do.

When he came back the house was empty. Angela and Mona had left for work. Tony took a shower and started cleaning; he had a late class this morning so he could finish the housework before class began. Hesitantly he opened the door to Angela's bedroom. He crossed over to her bed and sat down. He stroked over her sheets and took her pillow in his hands. Then he buried his face in the lacy fabric and breathed in her scent that had been captured during her short sleep last night. When he looked to her nightstand he recognized that something was missing. The photo. The photo of their extended family Mona took so many years ago had disappeared. It had been standing there for years. He couldn't help it as a single tear ran down his cheek and fell onto Angela's pillow. She had moved on and he was left behind.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Tony hadn't seen Angela the last few days. She was on a business trip to land another million dollar account. In their earlier days he might have accompanied her, but things were different now. She hadn't even told him how long she would be away; that information he had to glean from Mona. Also Andy wouldn't like to know his fiancée was accompanied by the housekeeper. While Angela was away Tony had set something in motion; something he thought he would never have to do. He had looked for a new place to live and had found something, surprisingly fast. One of his fellow students was moving to another state and he could take his apartment.

Angela came home hours later, exhausted but contented by the winning of another new campaign. She was surprised to find Tony sitting on the couch, obviously waiting for her. She placed her coat on the rack and walked over to him. He didn't look well, it seemed he last shaved a day ago and his eyes were blood-shot; he was awkwardly calm.

"Tony, you're still up. It's late."

"Well, I thought I would pick you up from the airport but Andy called and told me he wanted to do that."

"Uuhm, yes. He was there, but he doesn't want to come in, it's so late."

"Angela, I know you're tired but I need to tell you something and I can't wait any longer," Tony bit on his bottom lip.

"What is it, Tony?" She asked, her eyes in amazement. She sat down beside him trying to catch his eyes but he glanced to the floor.

"Angela, there is no denying it, I can't stay here any longer. I'm going to move out. I found an apartment near Ridgemont where I can move in tomorrow. I could come over to clean the house until you find someone new, but only if you insist. There are only a few weeks until my graduation and I can live on my savings for that short time. You know yourself that I can't stay here when you… when you and Andy get married. It wouldn't be right and I'm sure he doesn't want me around and as a matter of fact: I don't want to be around anymore." He looked at her, his once warm brown eyes emotionless and vacant.

"You're doing what?" Angela was appalled. It had never entered her mind that he would move out. He was always there for her. She knew he was right. How could he live here and make breakfast for Andy and her in the morning? Dinner in the evening? There would be one man too many. And she had chosen Andy. Not that she had a real choice but she wanted to go on with her life and Tony had chosen to go on another path. With someone else. Yes, Kathleen was gone but Angela had no doubts that there would be another woman soon. "I don't know what to say… I knew this time would come but I …, "she stopped, a big lump was forming in her throat, "can I do something for you?"

"No Angela, you've done so much for me all these years," he rose off the couch, "I just stayed up to tell you." He gave her a deep glance, secretly wishing she would try to hold him back and telling him she had made a mistake, but she just looked at him with wide eyes. He turned around and without another word he went upstairs and closed the door behind him.

Angela had been left confused in the living room. For the first time she realized the massive changes in her life which would come when Andy became her husband. Waking up in the morning not to see Tony at first but Andy. Andy in her kitchen. No, in _Tony's _kitchen. How could it ever be the kitchen of anyone else? No family breakfasts on Saturday mornings which had become usual after Sam's move out. The five of them would never be together. Never again. Angela swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment. This would be harder than she thought. She had to think about whether or not it would be better to sell the house and buy something new in the city. If it only didn't hold so many memories. Memories of a perfect family life. Angela loved this house. Although she and Michael, her first husband, had bought it so many years ago, she had always thought of it as belonging more to Tony and herself.

Tony hadn't slept a wink. He got up and started packing his utensils in boxes at four in the morning. There weren't many things to pack. He wondered at how few possessions a man needed to live, but at this place people had been always more important than property. The biggest box was for his cups and sports trophies. So many memories. Memories of Marie and the time he was married to her. She had supported him during his short but successful baseball career like Angela had supported him with going back to college. And what had he done? He had thanked her by dating another woman! What kind of jerk was he? He deserved what had happened. That was as sure as the amen in church. All the packing lasted not longer than an hour.

Tony left his room and paused for a moment in the hallway. This house had been always a place where a man could find his peace even though it was never quiet when the children were little. He went over to Jonathan's room and carefully opened the door. He saw the blonde tousled hair of his son. Well, his almost son. Last evening he had talked to him and told him about his move out. Jonathan had been shocked but was calmed down by Tony who assured him he would always be there for him. He had almost chosen the same words like so many years ago when Jonathan had tried to pair him up with Angela on Valentine's Day. It had felt equally wrong, just like the first time. Even then Tony wanted to explain so much more and would have liked to say that there would come a time Angela and he would be a couple. At the age of seventeen Jonathan had of course more comprehension, but Tony could see how sad the boy was. Closing the door he stared over to Angela's door.

One last time he wanted to watch her in her sleep and opened her bedroom door carefully. She was lying on her stomach, her face turned to his side. She seemed to sleep peacefully and was visibly unaware of his presence. How beautiful she was. He dared to come closer to her bed and noticed her disarrayed bed clothes. Tissues were left everywhere on her night stand, evidencing her bad night. When she started tossing he stepped back and left her room. He inhaled deeply and stepped down the stairs.

The kitchen was spotless like always. He wondered if everyone would come for their last common breakfast or whether Sam was still angry at him. She had suggested that fighting for Angela would be the best option but he couldn't do that. He was very conscious about what he had done to her and he had to deal with the consequences. If he only had been certain she was happy. He began to bake a cake. Her cake. The cake they had baked together for her birthday in his first year. The birthday which had ended with their first kiss. The fragrance was hovering through the room bringing back those sweet old memories to him. How much he wanted her that night. Of course he was sexually attracted to her right from the first day he showed up at her door step. But he had covered it for years, always afraid of losing everything. It was like he had grown up the night of her birthday. He had never resisted a beautiful woman before. There had been no reason for resisting. With Angela, matters had been different. There was an underlying understanding that he couldn't take advantage of her, not in that condition she had been nor later.

He worked in silence looking at his watch from time to time. At 7.30 he heard voices from upstairs. Jonathan came into the kitchen.

"Morning, Tony. Last big breakfast?" he mumbled.

"It does indeed look like that," Tony replied.

"Mom is already up. She'll come down soon."

"Jonathan, I want you to know you can always count on me. You can call me day and night whenever you need me. I won't live for long in that apartment; I'll probably have to go elsewhere after my graduation but mi casa es sus casa, ok?" Tony grasped his shoulder.

"I know, Tony, thank you. Besides it isn't your fault that mom is so… so … distant."

"Jonathan, she isn't distant, she… she had find someone she can love and that is good for her."

"Love? You can't tell me seriously she loves Andy. You know it isn't true."

"People change when something happens to them and it happened to your mother." Tony told him softly.

Angela entered the kitchen already dressed. Normally she would have breakfast in her pink bathrobe on Saturdays, but it would not be appropriate on Tony's last day. Mona, who just barged in through the back door noticed her daughter's unusual appearance, but didn't even comment on it. Now was not the right time for teasing her.

Without any words Tony handed Angela a cup of coffee and set a glass of orange juice on the table. He hadn't been able to speak since she had sat down. She looked pale and sad.

Angela however didn't know what to say. She never thought it would be so hard to let him go. For years he had been her secret dream and now she had to forget about it. It wasn't fair to Andy thinking of another man so much. It was a taciturn breakfast they had. No one dared to talk, fearing they could say something wrong, everyone noticed Sam's non-attendance, no one had the courage to mention it.

Jonathan and Tony started to pack the boxes into Tony's Jeep, but that was done very quickly, leaving just one more box in the kitchen for Tony to go back inside and pick up. Jonathan sat in the Jeep while Tony went in to say good bye to Mona who still waited in the kitchen with a very calm Angela.

"Hey, Mon, don't forget me. If there ever comes a time you can't get a date, call me." Tony hugged her tightly.

"The time I don't get a date will never come, Tony. Since that's the case I would never see you again. I'll miss you, Tony." Mona hugged him for the last time and gave him a short pat on his butt.

"Mona! You'll miss my cooking and someone to do your laundry."

"That's true and now I'm going before I get too emotional here."

With a last embrace Mona pulled away and left the kitchen teary eyed.

Suddenly Tony and Angela were alone. For the first time this morning they found themselves looking deeply in each other's eyes. A big lump formed in Tony's throat. He never imagined Angela marrying another man and now it would happen.

"Well Angela, I guess the time has come. I had prepared some words for this moment but… I don't remember them. I want to say thank you for everything you've done for me and I want to apologize for everything I have done over the last year and I…"

"Tony, there is nothing you have to apologize for. Can we leave it how it is?" Angela swallowed, "will we stay in touch?" If he talked about the last year she would never be able to withstand the farewell without a complete emotional breakdown.

"Of course we will," Tony answered.

"We said the same a long time ago."

"Yes, when Michael came back and I moved out."

"And you came back."

"Yes, but that won't happen this time. Now it's forever."

Tony went over to her and embraced her tightly. She didn't pull back. "This is the last time I can hold her like this," he thought," the last time to smell her scent." He wished the moment would never end, but after a short time he had to let her go. It would be inappropriate to keep her in his arms for too long. Tony picked up the last box and turned to the door.

"Good bye, Angela. I'll miss you."

"So will I. Bye, Tony." She couldn't hold back her tears any longer and turned on her heels, fleeing out of the kitchen.

Tony stared after her and sat the box on the table again. Then he grabbed in his pocket and took out his keys. He undid the golden one with the number 3344 and placed it visibly on the table. With a last look through the kitchen which had been his home for more than seven years he took the box and opened the back door. With a deep breath he stepped out and shut the door quietly. One more chapter of his life was done.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Tony had lived in his new apartment for three weeks now. He hadn't even finished unpacking all the boxes. Only the most required things had found a place in his one room home. Angela and he had decided that he wouldn't come over to clean the house anymore. It would have been too painful and would cause them embarrassment. Most of his time he spent studying for his final exams which demanded a lot from him. It was terribly problematic to concentrate when his thoughts were drifting off course, but finally all his constant efforts bore fruit. His exams went well.

Sometimes Sam came over and involved him in discussions about his relationship with Angela, but he mostly cut her short. He couldn't talk to anyone about her. Jonathan also had visited him a few times for which Tony was very grateful; he never wanted to lose contact with the boy.

His graduation ceremony was appointed for next Friday and of course he had invited Angela, Mona and the kids. He wasn't sure whether it was the right thing to see Angela again or not. Just thinking about the ceremony made him almost nauseated. He hadn't seen her for three weeks and had only talked to her shortly when he invited her over the phone. She had promised to come but was terse while talking to him. Maybe it was because she was in a meeting or some other reason. He didn't know and would never find out. Everything had turned out so much differently from what he expected. More than a year ago he thought he could talk openly to Angela about his feelings on his graduation day but that was completely out of the question now. Tony also started writing applications. At first he wanted to stay in the area but he wasn't sure about that anymore. Staying in Fairfield would mean he would meet Angela and her soon to be husband from time to time and he didn't know if he could handle that.

When the day of his graduation came, a great calm seized him. He never expected that. He thought he would be upset and nervous on his big day, but the opposite was the case. It was like he was sitting on a cloud in the sky and watched the ceremony from above. When his diploma was handed to him he looked over the audience, his eyes met Angela's chocolate brown ones. She gave him a beaming smile and was obviously more than proud of him. He tried to smile as well, but it faded quickly. After every student had received his degree Tony went down to his guests and got hugs and kisses like never before. Samantha was crazy about her graduated father and Jonathan had to shake his head over and over again. His substitute father, friend, coach and biggest adviser had received his diploma. Mona, a late student herself congratulated and kissed his cheeks several times. Only Angela stood a little apart from the others. She watched the presented scene with mixed feelings. A few months earlier she had been sure that this day would change everything in her future, but she had a bitter pill to swallow. Other things had changed her future, some were bad and some were good. The better part was she had Andy and would get married. She took a deep breath and came closer, smiling.

Tony turned around to her and for a moment the world stopped spinning, both of them searching for the right words.

"Angela, I want you to know how much I appreciate your coming. I wouldn't be here without you."

"You did all the work yourself, Tony. Now you can start a brand-new life again," Angela replied softly. She was happy he made it. After all he had a chance for a new beginning. Without her. Her smile faded.

"You will accompany us to the restaurant? We have to celebrate the day."

"Tony, I can't. Andy is waiting in the car. We are going to go ring shopping today," Angela looked down and scratched the ground absentmindedly with her foot.

"Well, that's a good reason. I guess, the wedding preparation can't be postponed," Tony said nonchalantly.

"Uuhm, no, I'm… sorry. Andy is only free for today," she replied in a steady voice, "I have to go now."

"Then thank you for coming, "he responded reserved. With a short handshake they said a quick good bye. Tony addressed his guests and all together they left the place which had been so important to him the last four years.

A few days later, Tony was just going over a resume when his doorbell rang, a sound he wasn't yet used to. At Oak Hills Drive most visitors and friends had come through the back door. Tony opened the door finding Sam, wet from rain. She joggled her hair and the drops flew through the room.

"Sam, why did you come through this awful rain?"

"Oh Dad, I hadn't hear from you for a while. I wanted to see whether you were ok or not." Sam threw her dripping jacket on a chair and collapsed on the couch.

"Why should I not be ok? Everything is fine. I'm working on my application," Tony shoved the papers aside, "do you want tea or coffee?"

"Since when have you offered me coffee, Dad?"

"Since you're an adult."

"Uuuh, great. You finally see me as an adult. Then I'm sure you won't have any objections when I introduce you my new boyfriend on Saturday? And adult or not, I prefer tea."

Tony went over to the small kitchenette and put the teakettle on the stove. "You have a new boyfriend? What's his name? What does he do? Where did you meet him?"

"Ey-oh, Dad. Is this a quiz? First of all his name is Hank. Secondly he studies medicine. Thirdly I met him on the street. My car didn't start and he helped me. He hit with a hammer on the starter and the car started. I invited him to a coffee shop and we started up a conversation and… we are on the same wavelength, Dad. It's like I found my other half," Sam sighed love-struck.

"So I'm going to meet your other half on Saturday?" Tony rolled his eyes in view of his affectionate and lovesick daughter, "it would be the best if we went to a restaurant. This place is too small for anything. Tony looked around his shoe box.

"If you had stayed at Angela's it wouldn't be a problem," Sam looked at him reproachfully, "we would have the entire place."

"And you would have Angela at your side if I grill him, the great car mechanic," Tony replied, knowing himself very well.

"Dad, promise me not to beat him to a pulp."

"I'll behave the best I'm able to. Sam, it's good you're here today. I want to talk to you about something."

The teakettle whistled and Tony poured the hot water in two mugs. He walked over to the couch and sat down by Sam.

"I got two job offers and I don't know which I should choose."

"Two offers? That's fantastic, Dad. From which schools are they?" Sam asked him.

"The first is from Stamford High School and the other one is.. yeah well, it's from the Saint Monica Catholic High School," Tony answered with low voice, "but I'm still looking for more."

"Saint Monica? Like Santa Monica? California?" Sam was stunned, "are you really considering moving to California?"

"I just don't know. It's a remarkable offer for someone like me. It's a fulltime job as a teacher for history and I have the opportunity to coach the girl's baseball team. It would be a contract for 14 months as a substitute teacher while that teacher is doing a sabbatical year. Meanwhile Stamford just offered a part time job for only four months."

"That wouldn't be so bad if you still worked for Angela." Sam carped disgruntled.

"Sam, please. Things are different for me. I have to take my life in my hands again. It doesn't help to grieve over something that is over." Tony pleaded for understanding.

"It'll never be over between the two of you," Sam announced, "there is no way you can forget about her even though she is going to marry this boring man."

"Not again, Sam. I don't want to discuss my… my," he stopped.

"Relationship? It's what you wanted to say, isn't it?"

"Friendship."

Sam rolled her eyes and jumped from the couch. "You have time to decide what you want to do. There is something more, Dad. I talked to Jonathan and he is not doing so well. Andy is at Angela's often and he feels redundant. Andy has no interest in him at all. I guess our boy will go to the farthest university possible when he graduates next year. You could call him, he needs you."

"I'll call him, Sam. Thank you for telling me."

"I've got to go. More studying to do."

Sam hugged her father and turned to the door. "Please, sleep over all your plans. You don't have to rush."

"I know. Bye, my little one."

The days passed and Tony was unable to come up with a decision. Sometimes he wanted to stay in Fairfield, waiting for his chance to see Angela again or talk her out of that baleful marriage. But wasn't that selfish? He wanted her to be happy as she deserved. Then again, he wanted to leave everything behind and start something new, but every time he thought of that the pressure in his chest got stronger and stronger. On some days it was so bad that he didn't want to get out of his bed. He stayed in the rumpled sheets for hours, staring at the ceiling. Everything was so difficult to do and demanded all his power. Even cleaning this super small apartment seemed to be an impossible challenge. He always tried to pull himself together but more and more it became an unattainable goal. One day Jonathan visited him. Tony was terrified about his bad appearance and Jonathan was worried about Tony's sudden grubbiness.

''Tony, I never saw you like this. What happened?''

''Well, I didn't take it so well that...my life took such a it will be better when I start a new job.'' Tony answered, running his hands through his messy hair, ''what about you, pal?''

Jonathan sighed. Everytime he was at home he felt like a fifth wheel. There wasn't so much life in the house anymore. It was always quiet. Andy liked the quiet. Jonathan found it boring. Andy normally drove home after long evenings with Angela in the living room, never staying overnight. Jonathan would never understand his mother who had chosen that geek over Tony.

''Tony, I'm already looking forward to my college years.I don't want to stay in the area anymore.'' Jonathan explained, "I'm working very hard on my grades, it would be easier if I got a scholarship. Mom couldn't say anything then." Jonathan munched on a brownie which Tony had managed to make after confirming Jonathan's visit. "This is heaven, Tony. I miss your food." Jonathan sighed happily after a few more brownies. "I have a summer job as a group leader in a camp in Vermont, Tony. I'll start after the wedding."

"Yes, the wedding, "Tony breathed out, very well aware of the invitation which was currently hanging on his bulletin board. He could see that that cream-colored parchment from every corner of his room. It seemed to follow him. He could feel the presence of this innocuous piece of paper everywhere he went. Like it had eyes which bored in his back all the time he turned around.

"Only a few more weeks Tony," Jonathan eyes beseeched Tony, "her bachelorette party will be soon."

"Whoah, she's jumping in with both feet."

"She is and I don't know how to stop her." Jonathan moved to the door and opened it, "I'm waiting for a miracle." He waved Tony a good bye and left.

"I don't believe in miracles anymore." Tony whispered to himself.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear reader, parts of this chapter are certainly T++.

Chapter 4

Tony was confused like never before, he almost equaled Angela's habit of thinking everything to death. Over the past few days he had talked to the principal of Stamford School as well as the principal of Saint Monica. He couldn't make a decision and no one advised him in one way or another. He took long jogs through the streets and parks of Fairfield, but he didn't find the relaxation he desperately needed. One time he had yelled out of frustration after running for hours on end. Not even the yelling eased his raging thoughts. Like a tiger in cage he paced back and forth. If only Angela were here with help and advice; he would be more confident about his future. When he looked at his watch he was amazed. It was after 10pm and he hadn't realized how much time had elapsed with all his running and thinking. After a short shower he jumped into a pair of black sweat pants and collapsed on his small couch. Since it had been so hot the last few days he decided to forgo a shirt. Why should he put on a shirt? No one would see him anyway.

Tony only wanted to take over some leftovers out of the fridge when the doorbell rang. He closed the fridge and walked to his apartment door. It could be Jonathan again, he thought. He opened the door and there she was… Angela! For a moment he was stunned. He admired her beautiful face and his gaze went over her entire body. Why had he ever thought Kathleen was pretty? She never could stand the comparison to Angela. Angela had a mystical aura of natural beauty and a loving nature. Tony realized he hadn't said a word for a few moments and remembered his manners.

"Angela, come in," he opened the door a little more and let her pass.

Angela, dressed in an off-white summer coat, walked over to the middle of the room where she turned around and looked at him. She had to swallow at the view of his muscular shirtless chest. She noticed his sad eyes. Why am I here? She asked herself and almost lost all courage.

"Angela, what are you doing here? Isn't it the night of your bachelorette party?" Tony asked, still surprised by the unexpected visit, "didn't Mona invite a hunky stripper for you? A sort of 'Mr. March' guy?"

"I'm sure she would have if I had let her, but this is my second wedding… I was out with Wendy and Isabelle and tomorrow is a work day so we all have to start bright and early," Angela came up with an explanation, still standing motionless in the middle of the room, her shoulders tense. Her bachelorette party had gone a little overboard after Isabelle and Wendy had become tipsy and marveled about her relationship to Tony while Angela herself had been completely sober. Mona of course had attended as well, but left early because Angela had cut her short after she spent most of her time mocking her daughter's future husband. Mona knew of course that Angela wasn't the type for naughty bachelorette games anyway, so the evening had been very boring for her.

Tony moved a little closer to Angela. "That still leaves open the same question. What are you doing here?" His eyes never leaving hers, he came one more step closer. The air became thick. It was like the essential oxygen had left the room. Her eyes seemed to be different; there was something in them he couldn't explain to himself.

Searching for the right words Angela made a desperate attempt to explain.

"I'm here because I wanted to know… I need to know…," she whispered and took a step forward until their bodies almost touched, "I need to know how it feels when… I can't go on with my life before I… before we…." She couldn't speak anymore and she knew there were times to talk and times to act, now was the time for acting. Angela had to muster all her forces to go on with this. Never in her life had she tried to seduce a man. They gazed in each other's eyes both unable to stop the inevitable. She let the coat slide slowly and seductively off her shoulders and it fell unnoticed to the floor. She placed her hands on his bare shoulders and glided them over his chest like she had always wanted to do, never losing eye contact.

"Angela, what… what does that mean? Are you toying with me?" Tony breathed heavily; aroused from her sudden and unexpected touch. He lost himself in the contemplation of the sight of her. He never saw her looking that beautiful, sexy and desirable. Her silk champagne-colored strap dress caressed her soft lightly tanned skin. Just the soft touch of her small hands drove him crazy.

"I want to know how it feels and I know you want it too. We both always wanted to know." She started running her hands back to his shoulders to his neck and to his hair. Tony didn't move at all. He just couldn't.

"Angela, please… if you don't stop I… I'm not a saint," he managed to get out.

"I don't want you to be a saint," she whispered, " I want you to be the man I think you've always been, only not with me, and I don't want to stop." Her voice deep and seductive.

He couldn't resist any longer and put his fingers on her now bare shoulders, stroking them lightly. Then his hands came slowly back to her neck, made their way to her face which he cupped with tenderness. She was so right, he always wanted this. Wanted her and only her. He pressed his lips on hers, carefully at first then gently demanding entrance to her mouth with his tongue. Eager for more they explored each other, the feeling caused a sensation neither of them had ever felt before. Their kiss deepened and Tony pressed her tightly to his body. She felt so good, no other woman fitted so perfectly to him than her. "Oh god, what am I doing? This was wrong, all wrong. She belongs to another man. Cogitation was impossible." Tony's mind was in a haze. Kissing her lips, her cheeks, her eyes his mouth traveled to her earlobe, to her neck and down to her shoulder.

She moaned lightly when his hot mouth came down to the base of her breasts. Her hands moved over his back, impatient. She wanted him, always, now. They stopped for a moment, both breathless, pressing their foreheads together. She looked in his eyes again. Their expression mirrored her own; desire, deep longing, arousal and something inexpressible, something desperate. Tony's hands moved over her back to unzip her dress carefully. In a stimulating slowness he drew down the small straps of her dress and it slid down her body in a fluent motion. He sucked in his breath when she stepped out of her heels, his fingers slowly stroking over the lacy fabric of her bra. He kissed her again, got bolder and travelled down to her collarbone and her breasts. He needed more, so much more and kneeled down, placing his hands on her hips. Slowly his mouth went down to the smooth skin of her stomach and he placed feather light kisses on the edge of her panty, then looked up to her. She had her head back and her eyes were closed, her breath shallow and fast.

He stood up, never losing physical contact, "please come," he whispered and guided her to the foldaway bed, their eyes ever connected. With one move he pulled the bed out and laid her down on the sheets. He took his place at her side, resting on his elbow. His other hand drew tender circles with his fingertips on the smooth skin of her cleavage. She put her one hand behind his neck and pulled him closer, her chocolate brown eyes as dark as his. She started kissing him again, biting tenderly at his bottom lip. He pulled away a moment.

"Angela, what are you doing to me, you're making me crazy," he breathed in her ear. "So do you," she answered, low-voiced, "please stop thinking, don't think about tomorrow and let us have this night."

He opened the front bra clasp and one by one he shoved the straps off her shoulders. Her breasts now free from the garment were softly touched by him. He replaced his fingers with his mouth, kissing and sucking, his tongue caressing her nipples. His hands were leaving a hot trace on her skin and the tension became more and more unbearable. When he reached the satin material of her panties and his fingers stroked slightly over the soft fabric her legs became restless. "I need you so much," she murmured and put her hands under the waistband of his sweat pants, "please, Tony. I want to touch you." She pulled the pants off, over his knees and ankles. He kicked away the rest with his feet and in an instant he felt her hand on him. "Oh god, Angela. I want you so much. I've always wanted you," his words tingled in her ear. He shoved her panties over her hips and she bent her body to help him. He embraced her tightly and leaned back to look at her again.

Their eyes were bonded when she parted her legs for him. In a cautious flow he moved above her, seeking permission by the expression of her face. She kissed him deeply and that was all he needed when he finally made them feel one. For a moment they were silent in a tacit accordance, both aware of the sensation of their unique sexual embrace. When he slowly started to move, her eyes became wide and demanding. Like their unusual relationship their lovemaking was a preternatural experience, but neither expected that it would be this way. Their heated bodies found an easy rhythm and he cried out her name when they finally crashed into an explosion of their feelings. " I love you," he whispered," I love you so much, I'm so sorry for everything that happened. Please forgive me, Angela."

"Don't do this to us, Tony. Please don't say this," tears brimming in her eyes, "just hold me."

And he did. Fulfilling her wish, he pulled her as close as possible, whispering more words of love and letting Angela know that she was cherished. When their breath calmed down they both fell into a peaceful slumber.

When Tony woke up two hours later he found himself alone in bed. He reached out to his right side finding only empty sheets still warm from her body.

"Angela?" he called out.

The same second he heard his apartment door shut. He jumped out of the bed and into his pants then ran to the door. When he opened it he heard the clicking of her high heels a few floors down.

"Angela," he yelled again," don't go." For a moment the clicking stopped, but got even faster seconds later. "Don't marry him," Tony shouted down and sat down on the stairs, "please don't marry him." He buried his face in his hands and tried to get his heartbeat under control. First he wanted to run after her, but she would never listen to him when she was in that state of mind. Desperately he tried to find the reasons for her leaving. He knew he needed to talk to her, tell her about his feelings. Did he make a mistake by giving in? By not resisting her? No, he knew she wanted this to happen as badly as he did. Slowly he stood up and crossed the hallway to his door.

Meanwhile Angela sat in her car, gripping the steering wheel. Tears were flowing over her face and she sobbed, pressing her head against her hands. What had she done?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

After Angela had left, Tony went back to bed. He placed himself down in the sheets and glimpsed at his alarm clock. It was three in the morning. He was 100% sure he couldn't sleep anymore. The light smell of Angela lingered on the pillow and the crumpled sheets, the scent he only knew as Angela. Inhaling deeply Tony closed his eyes and tried to focus on his confusing thoughts. Why had she done this? Angela had been so daring and seductive; he hadn't been able to resist her anymore. Tony knew she was right with every single word she told him. They always wanted to know how it felt; but why had she left him without a word? What would happen now? What about Andy and her wedding and the most important thing: what about t_hei_r relationship?

Tony turned over on his side, staring at the spot where Angela had given herself to him a few hours ago, so selfless, so trustful and so passionate. Over the years a lot of women had crossed his path, but none of them had been like Angela. All those women expected so much of him in bed. Not that he wasn't able to pleasure them but they all had one thing in common: they had given him their bodies, but never their souls. Truth to be told, he never wanted them. When Angela had looked at him at the peak of her ecstasy he could have drowned in her eyes. It would be absolutely impossible to forget this night for the rest of his life. When he closed his eyes he remembered the smell of her hair, her soft skin and most of all her appearance. When she had lain in his bed her hair had surrounded her like an angelic aura. He had never felt more deeply connected to a woman and never felt more emotionally touched by anyone than Angela. She couldn't marry Andy after their unbelievable night, could she? She must have felt his deep love for her. Finally overcome with exhaustion he fell into a light slumber and his dreams comprised of nothing but Angela.

* * *

Tony burst into the kitchen at Oak Hills Drive at 7.00 am without knocking. Mona and Jonathan who were sitting at the table, lifted their heads, both completely surprised by his sudden appearance. He looked from one to the other.

"Where is she, Mona?" Tony stared at her, demanding an answer.

"You mean 'Miss stay away all night'?" Mona replied dryly, "she is already at her agency, well, that's what she told me five minutes ago on the phone. Why do you need to know this?"

"I need to talk to her. It can't wait." Tony explained.

"What is so important that it can't wait until this evening?" Jonathan was now curious. Tony seemed to be in a poor state.

"I can't talk about it; all I can say is that something… something unforeseen has happened." Without another word he ran out the back door and jumped in his jeep, leaving Mona and Jonathan bewildered behind.

He drove all the way to Manhattan in record time disregarding speed limit. He parked his jeep in the no-parking zone and ran into the building. The front desk was of course empty. Mona, for sure, lazed around at home so he stopped himself at Angela's office door. He knocked lightly, waiting for an answer.

"Yes, come in."

He noticed her sad voice and opened the door. Angela sat behind her desk, surrounded by folders and papers. When she saw him standing in the door frame she slowly stood up, kneading her hands nervously. She looked perfectly good, but not very happy. Not like a woman who had had a sensational night of lovemaking. When he came closer he noticed her make-up was thicker than usual. Her facial expression didn't give anything away with that mask on her face. She wore one of the dresses which were usually kept in her office to provide security against all contingencies; for instance not making it home because of a late meeting or a stain on the clothes she had originally worn.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," he replied, staring at her.

"I've been expecting you," she said, sounding formal and aloof.

"I guess we have something to talk about," he didn't let her off the hook, "and there is no beating around the bush, it's time to clear up the mess."

She nodded and left the safe area behind her desk, folding her arms around herself.

"Tony, I made a mistake last night. I shouldn't have come. I… kind of freaked out when I was out with Wendy and Isabelle. It was my bachelorette night and they talked about guys, marriage and … well, of sex, of course. They had a chat about all my exes and the men I dated over the past years and when they got more and more drunk, they got carried away. You were the main topic and they couldn't understand why nothing ever happened between us. They couldn't believe it and when they talked and talked… I suddenly couldn't understand it either. I got scared, so scared. I don't know what happened to me, Tony, but suddenly I feared making a mistake by marrying Andy. What if I'm unable to forget the times _we_ once had? Not that we… we two go back a long way, Tony. We share a history. I know we had moments, special moments. I lost every control of myself and… you know the rest of it." Angela's voice trembled and she paced back and forth at the side wall of her office. "I don't know what's gotten into me; I betrayed my fiancé, the man who wants to marry me… I… I'm so ashamed of myself." She could barely breathe anymore and stopped in front of the window, her hands still in motion.

Tony crossed the room and stayed close behind her. This wasn't anything he wanted to hear.

"A mistake?" Tony said in horror, "a mistake? How am I supposed to forget _that mistake_? Finally we were together, became an _us_. I admired the courage you had. A mistake is you marrying Andy!"

"Courage? It wasn't courage, it was desperation. There was never an us, Tony, and there will never be. I can't do this anymore. I can't wait for something that will never happen. I wanted to go on with life and you didn't, you never did. At least not with me and that's why I made a decision last night. I can't be with you, Tony," her voice thick with emotion, "I can't be with anyone. I'm not the right kind of woman to be in a relationship. Last night…. after I left…. I drove over to Andy."

Tony suddenly heard the blood roaring in his ears. After this night, this wonderful night she had left his bed and had immediately gone over to Andy. Tony cringed at that thought. Of course she had a bad conscience. She usually wasn't a woman who would betray her husband or almost husband. She must feel terribly guilty. He tried to concentrate on her voice.

" … and we decided to postpone the wedding." Angela turned around to him," but that doesn't mean that it's over between him and me, he wants to keep on seeing me, but we'll slow down a gear. Andy is a wonderful man with a deeper understanding of me than I ever thought was possible. He would never do what I did to him and what you…," she stopped.

"What I did to you. You can say it, Angela. I know what I did and if there was one day in my life I could change it would be that day…. and the days after…. but I can't!" Tony's heart raced. He was losing Angela forever.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to say it like this… it's like I said before. There had never been an_ us_ and so you didn't do anything to me. Sometimes I wonder if everything I felt over the years has been wrong or I imagined it wrong like I had a split personality. As a matter of fact, I can't go on that way. I made up my mind, Tony and I decided to live on my own. Alone. An experience I never had and I need to have it now. I want to concentrate on Jonathan during the last year he is staying with me and I want to expand the agency. I'll go on seeing Andy, but we need more time to decide about the wedding. Everything went so fast, too fast."

"You were alone after Michael left and you weren't very thrilled about that situation." Tony reminded her.

"You don't understand. After Michael was gone I had a lot of things to organize. I had barely time to think about me and my life. And only a few weeks later… you stood at my door. The next one I relied on; I was dependent on," Angela looked at him, sad but self-assured at the same time. She straightened her back and looked directly into Tony's worried dark eyes. Everything she was going to say would not be easy, but she needed to make a cut. A cut to everything. To go on with life. Life without the underlying pain she felt the past year. A new start without this old baggage on her shoulders. She inhaled deeply and suddenly felt strong and confident.

"Tony, I want you to leave."

"What? What do you mean?" Tony couldn't believe what he heard. Did this sentence really come out of her mouth?

"I want you to go out of my life. I don't want to see you anymore. I can't." She looked at him as she usually looked at a client in her business who didn't understand her way of thinking, "I'll be unable to forget last night if you stay in my life and I see you. I need a cut, completely. Forever."

"What do you want to say is… that it's over?" Tony stood in front of her shoulders down, unable to coordinate his racing thoughts.

"Over? Things that never began can't be over," she made a helpless try to explain, "look, I need to keep focus on myself. Over that last year I lost everything I believed in. Most of all I lost my hope, my dreams and my trust, I feel… I feel I can't trust you anymore and I.., "she shrugged her shoulders.

Tony's face got pale. He never expected to hear those words from her. He must have caused her such pain when he got involved with Kathleen, more than he ever thought. He had destroyed their friendship, her love for him, her hopes and their family.

"What about the children, Angela? Have you thought about them or about they will feel? Do you want to cut Sam out of your life too? And Jonathan? Will you allow him to meet me or does he have to live with your decision? Have you reasoned about that too?"

"Sam and Jonathan don't have anything to do with my decision. Of course I'll keep on seeing Sam whenever it's possible and I would never forbid Jonathan from seeing you. I don't want them suffer from my choice. But they are grown up; if Jonathan wants to meet you he'll do on his own."

Angela let out a deep breath. This conversation demanded a lot from her. Seeing him in such a miserable state made her cringe and unable to go on with everything she wanted him to understand.

"So there is nothing more to say?" Tony whispered, "nothing more to do?"

"No, it's all said." She swallowed, but her posture was strong. She looked down to her hands, no longer kneading them. Surprised by herself she noticed her empty open palms. "I have nothing more to give."

Tony nodded and took a few steps back, his eyes taking a last long glance at her. Then he turned on his heel and fled out of the room without looking back. He just couldn't.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

When Tony reached his apartment after his destructive talk with Angela, he threw himself on the couch and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt numb inside. This last attempt at making everything better went thoroughly awry. Knowing that Angela didn't give them any credit to live in a loving and satisfying relationship together had a painful effect on him. When her words had hit him and reached his mind at last, he was sure there was no hope for saving the relationship. Angela had never spoken more clearly to him. There was nothing that held him back in Fairfield now. He took two letters from the couch table in front of him, one in each hand and looked alternately from the left to the right. Then he flung the left one on the floor, jumped up and grabbed the phone. He dialed the long distance number…

Two weeks later Tony was packing his car for the second time in a short while. Sam had come over to help him, not without trying to discourage him from his intention of leaving Fairfield. She had tried over and over again but wasn't successful. Tony had refused to tell her about the adverse circumstances which had led to his removal to the other side of the United States. He didn't want to burden Sam's relationship with Angela. He would be far away if anything happened and Sam would need Angela, more than ever. The last few days he had racked his brain a thousand times and the guilt he felt thinking of the pain he caused Angela had become constant. He woke up with that dull pressure on his chest every morning and it was the last thing he felt before he closed his eyes for the night. That Angela never wanted to see him again was something he had never expected. He was well aware of the fact that she did it for her own protection, but the thought that she needed to protect herself from him caused him sickness and nausea. The long drive to Los Angeles would take several days, but he looked forward to it. There would be enough time for thinking everything through again and maybe to find a way to live with the never-ending pain and memories. When the last box was hoisted in the Jeep he turned to Sam.

"Sam, whenever anything happens, call me. I'm not out of the world. I'll send you money for a ticket whenever you need it." Tony told her emphatically.

"Dad, I know. You told me a thousand times during the last two weeks. I know, you are always there for me even though you're 3000 miles away. You haven't said anything else to me for the last 48 hours." Sam rolled her eyes and hugged her father, "and I have Hank. He is good for me, Dad."

Tony held her tightly and kissed her hair. When he had met Hank the first time in that restaurant he was surprised by Sam's choice. The medical student was a nice guy, a little crazy with his hobby being a puppeteer, but likable. "I know, it's just that I feel completely dazed by all this."

"Dad, did you say good bye to Angela?" Sam questioned him," you wouldn't go without talking to her?"

"I did say good bye… uuhm in a kind of way…," Tony cautiously commented on it, "look Sam, Angela and I are going in different directions. I know, you don't like it and neither do I, but I… it hasn't worked out the way I thought it would and I regret so much. I made a lot of mistakes and I can't blame her for being sick of me and going on with her life. It's all my fault, but I have to go on with my life too, as difficult as that may be." He had also said his good bye to Mona and to all the people he had grown fond of in his Connecticut years a day earlier and that had brought him some emotional moments.

"I'm so sorry, Dad."

"I know, you are," Tony hugged her for the last time and Sam turned to her car, eyes full of tears. She didn't want to let her father know how badly she felt about the separation of him and the woman who had been a mother to her for years. When she learned that Angela's and Andy's wedding was postponed she drew new hope, but was disappointed that they were still seeing each other. Sam climbed into her car, closed the door and waved her father a last good bye.

"Call me when you arrive," she shouted loudly to drown the noise of the motor.

"I will. I call you every night." Tony turned to the flat he only lived in for a few weeks. He climbed the stairs, the elevator had failed again and he took two stairs with one stride. Almost breathless he decided to exercise more in the future. He dreamed of long jogs on the Santa Monica Beach and the surroundings. Before departing on his long drive to Los Angeles he had to make a last important phone call. Tony dialed the number that was burned in his head forever. He heard the ringing and his heart beat faster. The only thing he hoped for was that Jonathan would answer the phone. However his prayer wasn't answered. A familiar voice was heard.

"Hello, Angela Bower speaking."

He sharply breathed in. "Hi, Angela I'm sorry to disturb you, I'd like to speak to Jonathan. Is he at home?" Break. Not a sound was heard.

"Hi, Tony…, " she replied after a few seconds, " no, I'm sorry. He isn't there. Can I… can I do something?" she asked hesitantly, her voice thousand miles away and yet so close.

"I just wanted to say good bye to him and give him my new number and address. Could I give them to you?" Tony asked softly.

"New address? Where are you going?" she dared to ask.

"Mona didn't tell you? I got a job and I'm leaving Fairfield in half an hour," Tony said deliberately. Obviously no one had told her about his new job in California. No one had dared.

"You're leaving so soon?...Where are you going?" Angela managed to get out. Her mother had avoided the "Tony topic" but the fact that she hadn't told her anything about Tony's leaving showed her unmistakably how weird her behavior had obviously been.

"I'm going to Los Angeles. I got a good job at a Catholic High school."

"Oh, that far away?" she whispered.

"Nothing is holding me back here; I'm going where I'm needed. Whether it's Los Angeles or any other city in the world makes no difference to me," suddenly Tony got angry, "look Angela, do me the favor and write down my address for Jonathan. It's 98 West Channel Road , Santa Monica, CA 90403. The phone number is… ," he stopped when he didn't hear anything, "Angela, are you still there?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am… which number?"

Tony told her the number. Then there was quiet again. Tony broke the silence." Thank you, you will give to him, won't you?"

"Yes, of course I will." Silence again.

"Angela?"

"Yes?"

"I wish you a lifetime of happiness."

"Tony, I… "

"Never mind. You don't have to say anything. Bye." Without another word he hung up the phone and inhaled deeply. This chapter of his life was over. He had reached the last page of the book and had closed it forever. Tony grabbed the last box and left the apartment. He went out of the door and never looked back.

Angela stared at the receiver from which Tony's voice came out only seconds ago and then put it down. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Why was this so difficult? He had hurt her, betrayed her almost destroyed her and she missed him. That wasn't fair. She breathed in deeply to get the tears under control. No! No more crying about that stupid man who caused her feelings to be in disorder for so many years. It would just lead to more pain and sorrow. Angela left the quiet living room and slowly climbed up the stairs. When she reached the hallway she paused a moment in front of Tony's old room. Slowly she opened the door only to find it empty and cold. She passed through the room and closed her eyes, remembering how it looked only a few weeks ago. Full of life and warmth.

She opened the top drawer of his former wardrobe and it was empty and clean, just like expected. But there was something in the very back corner. Angela grabbed it and to her surprise she held a small silver jewelry box in her hands. Angela sat down on his bed and opened it carefully. Two rings appeared in a satin case. Two beautiful simple white gold rings. Angela put her hand on her mouth and suppressed a cry. What rings were these? The wedding rings of Marie and him? No, he would never forget them in a drawer. Rings he had bought for Kathleen and him? Why should he leave them behind? He could have taken them back to the jeweler's after they broke up. There wasn't an inscription. Could it be that he had bought them for… no, that couldn't be. Angela closed the box and shoved it back into the place it was before. Maybe that puzzle would never be solved. She decided to leave it there for always and ever and stood up. One last glance through his room and she swallowed. What will happen to his room now? Nothing was the only possible answer. She couldn't bear changing it into anything else, just like Sam's room when she left a few weeks ago to live at the dorm. She fled out of it and tried to concentrate on Andy, he wanted to see her even though she had betrayed him, but today she couldn't face him.

While on his long ride to L.A. Tony's thoughts crossed his mind like a whirlwind. He couldn't think straight, but after driving for two days he had himself calmed down. He had come to the conclusion that he wanted to cling to every good memory he had with Angela over the past years. It was simply and plainly impossible to forget the best time of his life, so he wanted to hold on to every single minute he remembered and there were a lot. He was sure that there would never again be someone he would be able to love. Living with memories seemed to be the only feasible thing to do. That sentiment gave a sort of peace, but left still an ache of pain in his chest. He wondered whether this knot would ever go away. His moods were fickle. One minute he was sad and depressed, the next minute he got disappointed and angry. When the angry side of him took over he wanted to return to Angela and shake everything out of her by asking: Why? When he was sad, he wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out again.

He stayed overnight at small motels near the highways wondering when the last time was that he had been alone for so long or whether there had ever been a time of such loneliness in his life. The only people he spoke with were waiters or receptionists and the disk jockeys of the country radio stations he listened to.

It was day five when he finally reached the Santa Monica Freeway and he was quite surprised. Even though it was the second largest city in the States it seemed to be totally different from New York. The settlement wasn't as condensed, the skyscrapers weren't as high, ok, the traffic was almost as heavy as in New York. When he found the West Channel Road he saw his first sundown on the Pacific coast.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

It was easy for Tony to make himself comfortable in his new little beach house. He still had a few days until the new school year would begin and he rearranged the already existing furniture in a way he liked. After moving the couch to its new place he glanced at his living room and shook his head. It now had a similar appearance to the living room in Fairfield. Tony sighed, but then accepted it. If this was necessary to make himself feel at home then so be it. The tiny wooden house stood directly on the beach and from its big window Tony had a great view over the ocean. He needed a night to get used to the variety of sounds of waves which rolled onto the sand, burbling and sometimes soughing loudly. The often heavy ocean breeze jolted his shutters but his wrought-up feelings seemed to calm down by the natural noises of wind and water. The heavy knot in his chest hadn't gone, but when he sat on his small terrace and his sweeping eyes wandered over the ocean he felt a kind of reassuring peace. He filled his fridge, tried some new recipes and familiarized himself with the City and its closer surroundings. Every morning at six he jogged five miles on the beach and through focusing on physical fitness his mind developed a better feeling too. He was ready, ready to start his new life.

Tony's new work was very different from his former job as a housekeeper, but it felt like being a teacher had been the ultimate destination that had always been waiting for him. He loved his new job and the kids. The teaching staff supported him in every way possible. He got along with the girls team very well and was reminded of the time Sam and her friends had invaded the house on Oak Hills Drive. He would have preferred a coed school, but it wasn't meant to be. He had already coached Sam's softball team and that wasn't any different. He made a few new casual acquaintances, mainly with some teachers but also with a neighbor at the beach in his seventies. One evening, Ernest came over with two beers in his hands. Tony and Ernest had a good talk about the past and life in general and the old wise man had a lot to say. After a few beers and some joking references to Ernest about his namesake Hemingway and his book "The Old Man and the Sea" it was the beginning of a wonderful friendship. Since then they had talked several times a week. The man had lost his wife a year ago and was lonely. They told each other the details of their lives.

Tony had also been invited to a barbecue by Derek Winterstone, one of his colleagues from school. One of the advantages of living on the West Coast was the warm weather. Winter barbecues with cold and snow were forgotten now. Not that there was already winter weather in Fairfield, it was only early September. Most of the other guests had been married couples with children and he had felt lonely at first. Later he got it. Derek had invited his sister to the small party too and had introduced her to Tony. Lucy was a young woman in her late twenties, two times divorced. She hogged him most of the night without noticing Tony's hesitancy. Going to a party as a single was one thing that was ok, but he wasn't ready to get paired off. Lucy was a pretty red haired woman with deep blue eyes and a milky skin. Not even the burning California sun was able to put a tan on her. She had a winning smile and was a very sporty type of girl. In about two hours Tony knew the most important things of her life. Of course she tried to learn more about him, but he wasn't very talkative when it came to his life. When the party was over she gave him a piece of paper with her phone number. However, Tony threw it away even before he reached his Jeep.

The days had passed uniformly and uneventfully so far. Tony developed a routine and was content even though he had this inner restlessness. He missed Sam and Jonathan terribly, but called them several times a week. He got Jonathan on the phone mostly in the early evening and had started to call him always at this time. Angela never picked up the phone and Jonathan told him that she worked 12 or more hours a day. The boy never mentioned Andy and Tony thought he avoided the topic because he didn't want to hurt him. Thinking of Angela working so much made him sick. Why didn't Andy take care of her? A few times Tony was tempted to call Angela, but he always dropped the receiver before dialing. She didn't want connection to him anymore and he respected her wish, painful and difficult though it was.

The worst times for Tony were the nights. Nights, wherein he couldn't find sleep, seeing her face and remembering the good times they once shared. Sometimes he dreamed of Angela and woke up in the morning with a teary face, feeling a lump in his throat. On such mornings it took all his will power to leave his bed and go to school. Frequently he thought he was developing depression, but guys like him couldn't be depressed; they were supposed to rule their own minds, weren't they? So he pulled himself together and went on as if nothing happened.

* * *

Angela didn't feel very well. She went from one sickness to another. At first she had a cold with cough that simply didn't want to go away. She forced herself to stay in bed for two days, but couldn't stay away from the agency any longer than that. She was too connected with it and she needed to be at work for the distraction. She had landed more accounts than ever before and had to deal with two staff members quitting. She hadn't been content with their work, but she was currently short-staffed without them. If she had been honest with herself she would admit she had scared them away with her bad temper, a character trait she had never shown before to an employee. She could only compensate the loss with more and more work and sometimes she was so tired she forgot to eat and to drink all day. That led to exhaustion, complete with dizziness and nausea.

Two days later Mona found her in front of the toilet in the office, white like a wall and sweating. She scolded her daughter like a child and insisted that she see a doctor. Angela agreed but postponed it minutes later after getting the binding commitment from a big cruise operator in San Diego. She had to come up with some suggestions within two weeks and then fly over to California for a meeting. She promised Mona to live healthier and for while it worked out but only a few days later stomach flu came over her and she lost 5 pounds in one week. That was the time Mona freaked out. Early one morning she urged her daughter to stay at home for not less than a week.

"Angela, if you can't take care of yourself you'll need someone who does that and I'm saying you stay in bed until you're better." Mona bleated. "If you won't see a doctor today, I'll call Dr. Fergusson."

"I will, but not now… you know what I have to do," Angela sat on the couch wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by folders and papers.

"Angela, there is no excuse for treating yourself so badly. If you don't shift into a lower gear you'll end up in the hospital. I'm no longer accepting your lame reasons for not making an appointment. If Tony were here he would kick your butt."

Angela looked up to her mother. For weeks now no one had mentioned Tony. The last time her mother did that, Angela had yelled at her and slammed the door. Mona crossed the living room and started dialing. She talked a while and hung up.

"You're gonna see the doctor at two. And don't dare to cancel the appointment. I'll accompany you."

Mona shot her an angry glance and left the room. Angela shrugged and tidied up her papers. She needed to shower before seeing the doctor and it was already late.

At the appointment Angela met with doctor she had never seen before. He examined her thoroughly, but couldn't find anything amiss. He did a quick blood test and her white blood cells had been a little higher than usual, but this was due to her earlier infections. He handed her a diet plan to increase weight and told her she would be called about the other blood results. Angela picked up her mother in the waiting room and they left the office.

"So what is going on?" Mona asked straightaway.

"Nothing, everything is fine. I have to get my weight back and sleep more hours. My stomach is okay. He examined my inner life thoroughly and I'm healthy, just underweight."

"How will you gain weight without Tony's cooking skills? Since he left the sinking ship you're avoiding the kitchen as if it is a torture chamber."

"I'm not avoiding anything."

"You do. You don't talk about anything. Not about Tony, not about Andy. You're annoying your employees. Your bad mood is unbearable. And you don't care about Jonathan. It seemed to escape your attention how crabby he is. He doesn't dare to talk about Tony and Andy isn't a substitute. You don't even dye your hair in time, the roots are dark."

Angela sighed and opened the Jag. She took her place in the driver's seat and glanced over to Mona who made a concerned face. Usually Mona wasn't a mother hen, but now that Jonathan was the inducement of anxiety she had to give it some thought.

Jonathan avoided Tony's name too. He feared his mother's anger. Angela was well aware of this, but was astonished when her son begged for a flight ticket as his birthday present. He wanted to visit his father for a long weekend, probably for some advices now that Tony was no longer available. He hadn't seen Michael in years but obviously needed him now. Angela knew a talk with her son was necessary and she made a mental note.

"I'll talk to Jonathan, I promise. I understand he's angry with me and he misses Tony. And as you're asking about Andy, mother. Well, there isn't anything to tell. I won't see him anymore. It isn't right."

With these words she started the car and gripped the steering wheel. Mona shot her a glance.

"That means the wedding is cancelled? Over and out? End from song? I'm glad you dumped him," Mona made no secret of her opinion.

"No wedding," Angela swallowed.

The drive to Oak Hills Drive proceeded in silence. Mona scurried to her apartment to get ready for a date and Angela disappeared in her study for the next hours, the planned talk with Jonathan was forgotten.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Tony came home after a long day. His afternoon had been filled with coaching the girl's softball team and marking some tests. After that he had a staff meeting and later he got caught by a single mother who wanted to talk about her daughter's grades. The woman had waited for him in the parking lot and involved him in a conversation for almost one hour.

He made a quick stop at the supermarket, then drove home, exhausted and tired. The weather forecast predicted a warm weekend so he planned to relax on his terrace, maybe jog for more than five miles and exercise. Since he could do with his days whatever he liked he recommitted to his regimen. He had lost the five kilos that the comfortable life in Fairfield had put on his body over the years and was now as close to his baseball playing days physique as he could get. He often cooked for himself but it was no fun anymore. Eating alone was a lonely thing.

The weekend before Jonathan had visited him. They had a good time together with sunbathing, playing beach volleyball with some sun seeker tourists from Toronto and of course talking. He had even taught Jonathan how to cook spaghetti vongole and had shared the secret of his special lasagna with him. The" Angela" topic was taboo. Jonathan had briefly mentioned her health problems, but he could read in Tony's eyes that he didn't want his mother to be the subject of discussion even if he was worried about her. Both had enjoyed the weekend immensely and saying good bye proved to be difficult.

Over the past weeks Tony developed mixed feelings about Angela. He was sad, sometimes angry with her and the way she had thrown him out of her life. He often thought about it, usually while he sat outside watching the sunset. This evening, he stayed out even later, it was almost half past ten when he went inside and turned on the TV. He switched through the channels but couldn't find anything to his satisfaction. Suddenly there was a knock on his door. At first Tony thought of Ernest, but he wouldn't come over at this hour so he coursed through the room, thinking this must be an emergency. When he opened the door his heart skipped a beat, then two. He couldn't believe what he saw.

"Angela!" He said flabbergasted and looked into two fearful eyes.

"Yes… it's me," she whispered, her eyes dropping to the floor "can I…can I come in?"

He stared at her as if she was a ghost. He couldn't move, he couldn't think.

"Tony?"

"Yeah, yeah of course, come in… sorry, I… I wasn't prepared to see you," he stuttered and let her pass in front of him.

Angela entered slowly and stepped tentatively until she stood in the middle of the room. She looked it over, noticing the same allocation of furniture as in her own living room. The couch with a small table in front of the TV. The shelf behind the couch. There were differences of course. The kitchen was included with the living room and there seemed to be only two other doors, probably the bathroom and his bedroom. Everything looked clean and tidy, but she hadn't expected anything else. She turned to him, making eye contact.

Tony stood still at the open door. The thoughts ran through his mind like a hurricane. "What is she doing here? What does she want?" were the two questions his racing mind came back to. Slowly, he shut his door and took three steps towards her, stopping when he realized he had no idea how to handle this situation.

"I guess, you're surprised to see me," she kneaded her hands nervously, " I had a meeting in San Diego and decided to fly up. Well, I was already close to L.A. and… ."

"You were already close and… you decided to come up for a short fleeting visit? To the guy you never wanted to see again? That's quite a decision, Angela." He interrupted her, his voice trickled with sarcasm. He couldn't spare her this.

Angela inhaled deeply and searched for the right words, knowing she deserved his harsh reply.

"I know you're mad at me and angry, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't important. I need to tell you something."

Tony was suddenly worried.

"What is it? Is something wrong with Jonathan or Sam? Is it Mona? Angela, speak. Don't make me worm it out of you."

"No, no. They are ok. Jonathan is a little overwhelmed; but he has a lot of schoolwork."

"He didn't seem to be overwhelmed when he visited me last weekend," Tony answered, "we had an easy weekend."

Angela's expression spoke volumes.

"I don't understand. What do you mean… last weekend? He was at your place? He asked me… . oh," she said and turned around, "oh."

"What? Didn't he tell you that he was coming over for a long weekend? I stood under the impression that you knew about it," Tony asked bewildered.

"He did, but I… I obviously didn't listen carefully enough… it's my fault," she looked him straight in the face," he told me he wanted a plane ticket for his birthday to visit his father. I thought he…," Angela stopped.

"I see. You thought he would visit Michael. He still lives a few miles away with Heather."

"Yes, I…," she shrugged helplessly.

"And is it ok with you that he was here?"

"Yes, yes. It is. It's only… I didn't expect that he… ."

"That he considered _me_ as his father? You shouldn't be surprised, he hasn't seen Michael in years, in spite of the fact that I suggested he visit him since he was already in the area, but he didn't want to go," Tony explained, "but he is evidently not the reason why you are here, so what is it?"

Angela put her hands in her pockets and walked slowly towards the window. That made Tony realize that she was still wearing a thin summer coat and he followed her.

"Give me your coat, Angela."

She made the coat slide off her shoulders and when Tony grabbed it he noticed her small appearance and the loss of weight. He wondered who cooked for her now. He hung up her jacket and went back to the kitchen. He leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms against his chest. Angela pressed her forehead to the cool window glass and closed her eyes for a moment. "This is so difficult," she thought.

"Angela? I'm waiting."

She turned around and looked at him, trying to find the man she had known for so long, but his eyes were empty. He wasn't unfriendly, but looked indifferent. She swallowed hard. She had given up and she didn't deserve anything better. Inhaling deeply to get her thoughts straight she blurted out.

"Tony, I'm pregnant."

He stared at her. For a moment he felt dizzy and the blood swooshed through his ears. "She is pregnant, pregnant by Andy. That's why she is here? To tell me? Why? What does that mean? Will she break off contact with Sam because of the baby? Is it that what she wants to say?" Tony's mind started racing and he turned to the sink, looking down on the silver metal and the small water drops on the tap. He never imagined her becoming pregnant. Not by another man at least. He gasped into the sink and tried to maintain composure. He inhaled deeply and turned around again.

"I don't know exactly why you are telling me this, but I guess, congratulations are in order. I knew you always wanted more children. Andy… ,"he paused, "Andy must be a happy man. Are you already married?"

"No, no. I'm not married, "she whispered in shock and closed her eyes to blink the tears away. That's not what she had expected to hear.

" Of course, that's what he's thinking," she made herself clear inwardly then said , "but you don't understand. After we cancelled the wedding I … I met him only two times and then I broke up with him."

"Oh, that means he doesn't want or know about the baby?" Tony was surprised. It wasn't like her to break up with the man she was pregnant by. A man, who was important in her life.

"Tony, you still don't understand," she said in a low voice, "Andy doesn't know about my pregnancy because he isn't the father, Tony," she said lowly, "you are… you are the father of the baby. I'm fifteen weeks pregnant." She closed her eyes, waiting for an answer, waiting for him to start yelling at her or throw her out.

Tony couldn't believe his ears. A baby, a baby with Angela? Despite all circumstances for a moment he felt nothing but joy. He would be a father again. His deepest and most secret dream had come true. He wanted to take her in his arms, kiss her and twirl her around, but then reality hit him. She had no feelings for him anymore. No trust, no love.

"You mean that night we… the night you came to me, I knocked you up?" Tony stuttered.

Angela opened her eyes, astonished. He didn't seem to be angry, only surprised and confused.

"Yes, that's what I mean. I'm sorry… I've only known since last week. My period was always irregular and I had all these different sicknesses. I never thought I could become pregnant from… I'm an idiot, I'm talking like an sixteen year old school girl. I should have known better. But that night… it was like I was a different person. I… ," she was at a loss for words.

"Hey-oh, don't ever say sorry for having a baby," he murmured, "unless you don't want it. Do you want this baby?" What if she was here because she wanted an abortion? But no, it's too late and she would never do that, would she?

She looked at him sadly but strong at the same time." How can he ask me this? Doesn't he know me anymore?" She couldn't answer and looked down to the floor.

He didn't really expect an answer. "Angela, I really don't know what to say. If this had happened years ago I would have been the happiest man on earth, but things are different now and you know that."

"I know and I'm just here to tell you that I don't expect anything from you. You don't have to feel obligated. It's my fault and I… ."

"Stop, Angela. I don't want you feel guilty because we didn't take care of things. It takes two to a tango, but right now I don't know what to do. I'm living in L.A., at least for one more year. I have a new job and with the way things went between us last year… ," Tony said helplessly, " plus the fact you made yourself pretty clear that you don't want to have contact with me anymore."

Angela didn't know how to answer his harsh words. She swallowed some tears down. He was so right. At the end she had broken up all tents and had sent him away. She should go. Go and leave him alone. She had no right to be here and mess up everything again. Suddenly she felt so tired. Slowly she went over to the front door.

"What are you doing," He asked.

"I… I think I should go. I don't have a hotel reservation yet. I need a bed for the night. Can you call me a taxi?" she said weakly.

"Angela, don't be silly. You don't think I would let you hunt down a hotel room at night in that condition. You won't get a room anyway. It's gonna be a warm weekend, every hotel is overbooked. You need to stay here over night. Besides you need to care for yourself much better. You look awful," Tony hesitated, "well, you don't look awful in that way, but you're thin and pale. That's not good for a pregnant woman. You need more food and more sleep and you'll start now. There are some left overs, I'll heat them up and while you eat I'm going to put a new blanket on my bed. I'll sleep on the couch." Tony opened the fridge and took the lasagna out of it. He placed it on the small table for two and shoveled a big piece on a plate, then set it in the microwave.

Angela could only stare at him. She was ashamed and insecure. Tony seemed to be protective like he had always been, but aloof. Reluctantly she took her seat at the table and was glad to sit down. A weakness had invaded her bones and she knew her battery was low. When the microwave beeped, Tony put the steaming plate in front of her. Angela looked at the spinach lasagna like so many times before. The scent was heavenly. Slowly she started to eat and thought she hadn't something this good for ages. Out of the corner of her eye she observed him while he was taking his blanket to the couch and getting her a new one. She could feel how uncomfortable he was, His shoulders were tense and his lips were pressed into a small line. When she finished her late night dinner she wanted to tidy up, but without words he took the plate out of her hands and placed it in the sink.

"You should sleep, Angela. You can use the bathroom first."

"Thank you, Tony," she whispered calmly, "I know, I ask a lot of you."

Angela took her small suitcase that Tony had placed at the door together with her coat. She went over to his bedroom and shut the door. The bedroom was heated from the afternoon sun and she took a spaghetti strap top and shorts out of her baggage. She was embarrassed that she hadn't brought anything more covering, but there was no way to change that now. She couldn't sleep in a business dress. She changed clothes and opened the door, ready to go to the bathroom. The living room was empty; Tony wasn't anywhere to be seen. After getting ready for the night she went back to the bedroom; then she heard steps outside. Through the window of the bedroom she saw Tony standing at the banister of his terrace, watching the full moon which hung deeply over the sea. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "What have I done?"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Against all expectations Angela fell asleep very quickly. At least until five in the morning, then she had to use the bathroom. The baby was already pressing on her bladder. Everything with this pregnancy was so different in comparison to her first. With Jonathan she increased weight quickly; this time she was barely showing. After using the bathroom she passed the couch where Tony was sleeping. His sleep was apparently restless; she could see the play of his muscles and his rapidly moving eyelids. Careful not to wake him she went to his bookshelf. In the moonlight she saw some pictures. Samantha at all ages, Jonathan and Mona. Not a single one of her. Why should he? She went over to the sink, searching for a glass to drink some water.

"You need something?" His voice, husky from sleep, startled her at first. She turned around only to find him inches away. His bare upper body radiated the summer heat, that earthy scent that had made her crazy the night when…. that night.

"Uuhm, yes. I wanted a glass of water."

He reached up to the cupboard, filled a glass and handed it to her. Angela drank it in great gulps.

"Thank you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"I wasn't sleeping anyway," he said and went back to couch, "when does your flight leave?"

"At twelve."

"I'll take you to the airport. Try to get more sleep."

With these words he pulled the blanket over himself and closed his eyes.

Angela went to bed again and managed to sleep three more hours. When she woke up she rushed through her morning toilette. Tony had already made breakfast. The smell of fresh pancakes filled the air.

"Good morning," she whispered, looking at the filled breakfast table.

He noticed her glance. "Don't even think about just juice and coffee," he muttered, "you need a real breakfast."

She smiled shyly and took her seat. "You don't have to do this, you know. I could eat something at the airport."

Tony sighed, but abstained from replying. He filled her plate with a warm pancake and a cup with coffee. "I would prefer you drinking tea, but I know you're used to coffee. Please not more than one cup a day." Taking a place too, he grabbed a pancake for himself.

Angela started eating and to her surprise she was really hungry. She managed three pancakes and leaned back in her chair. She placed a hand on her stomach and looked around the room.

"How did you get this place? It's incredible. Small but wonderful. I thought these beach houses would cost a fortune?"

"It was kind of a miracle I got this. The teacher I'm the substitute for owns it. He and his wife are doing a world trip. This house is his second home and he didn't want to rent it or leave it untenanted for a whole year. When he heard I was a housekeeper before he offered me a position as a house sitter. So if you want to see this correctly I have two jobs. I just have to pay for my food," Tony explained his lucky living situation, "yes, I've met it well at this place."

"It must be wonderful to live by the ocean. So different from our… your former life in Fairfield. Are you happy here?" she dared to ask.

"Happy? That's a strange word, Angela. I would say I'm satisfied and content," Tony shifted uncomfortably on his chair. This conversation wasn't where he wanted it to be and so he changed the topic abruptly. "Angela, I want to be honest to you. I've been thinking the whole night and can't come up with a solution. I don't know what to do. I need more time."

"I already said it, I don't expect anything." They lapsed into silence and finished their coffee.

The drive to the airport was insane with all the traffic around and they were running late when they reached the gate. They turned face to each other, both not knowing what to say. It was Tony who spoke first.

"Angela, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

Tony cleared his throat and looked at her. He wasn't sure he was going to like her answer, but no matter what he needed to hear it.

"That moment when the doctor told you about the baby, what did you feel?" He held in his breath and couldn't keep his eyes from hers capturing every expression in them. Then he felt a great relief. His question put a smile on her face and her eyes lit up for a few seconds.

"I felt nothing but joy, Tony. For a time I was so happy. It was a dream for such a long time and now it had come true. I always wanted a baby with….," she stopped, "I always wanted more children," she reflected on that special day. "What did you feel when I told you?" It was her turn to look at him and she did, anxiously.

His smile reached his eyes. "For a moment I was overwhelmed, Angela. Just like you, I always wanted more children. It wasn't meant to be with Marie. Thank you for your honesty," he hesitated, "What do you feel now?"

"I'm scared, Tony," she whispered.

"As we were both happy, at least for a moment…. There is hope, Angela, isn't there? Hope that we figure it out? That we can arrange something we both can live with?"

"I don't know. We both changed so much. We aren't the same people anymore. There have been so many unforeseen events especially last year."

"You don't give us any credit here? To figure something out for the future?"

"Do you?"

"I'll try."

Her flight back to New York was called. Tony wanted to hug her, but didn't dare. It seemed inappropriate. Instead of making physical contact he handed her the suitcase that he had carried for her.

"I've got to go."

"I'll try to change my schedule, Angela. I'll call you. We need more time to figure this out."

Angela nodded, turned around and went through the gate. Tony stared at her back and as soon the doors closed he felt empty. When he stepped out of the airport into the blazing sun he wondered if the last 12 hours had really happened. Everything felt surreal in the shimmering heat of the parking lot. Would he really become a father again?

Angela sat in the plane. Mixed feelings had overcome her. In one way she was relieved she had finally told him about the baby but was scared to death about the doubtful outcome. She loved to be a mother again, but the circumstances couldn't be worse. "How would that work?" she asked herself, "a baby, and a father who lives 3000 miles away." She leaned back in her seat, closed her eyes and thought about Tony. He had never been a neglectful father. When he had said he would figure it out he would. She had trusted him with Jonathan and she would trust him with the new baby. She had always trusted him even when he got involved with Kathleen. An idea formed in her head. She hadn't told him the truth that terrible morning in her agency and she had to do so. Soon. With that last thought she dozed away.

It was almost nine when she arrived home. She placed her suitcase on the small bench at the door and hung up her coat. Slowly she walked into the kitchen finding her mother sitting at the table.

"Mother, you're not on a date? What are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting for you."

"What? How did this rare occasion come to be?"

"You don't have to be so sarcastic. I'm serious. I called you in San Diego yesterday. You had already left. Where were you the rest of the day and more interesting… the night?" Mona asked her, torn between worry and curiosity.

Angela sighed. Not this as well! Slowly she took a seat on the chair. She knew she had to tell her mother anyway. However she wasn't ready for this.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Angela, throw me a bone here. I know you're not the type for a one night stand with one of your business partners so don't put me on the rack. Where have you been?" Mona dragged the last words to double length.

"I've been in Los Angeles."

"To do what?"

"I visited an old friend."

"You don't have old friends in L. A.," Mona started to say but then had a sudden burst of lucidity, "oh, that old friend. You've seen Tony. Was there a special reason?"

"Yes, mother I was in the area. That's all."

"That's all? Then tell me why are you so low-spirited? Usually Tony cheers you up."

Angela wasn't able to answer. Tears were welling up and suddenly she felt exhausted. The pregnancy hormones were driving her crazy. Up one minute, down the next. She suppressed a sob when she felt her mother's hand on hers.

"Dear, I'm not stupid. He wasn't amused about your pregnancy, was he?"

Angela was astonished. How did she know?

"Angela, it was easy to find out; all that sickness and today your gynecologist called and postponed your appointment to next Tuesday."

"He talked with you about my issues?"

"He thought I _was_ you. You know how young I sound on the phone."

"Well, then you're well-informed."

"Why did you tell Tony first?"

"Because he has the right to hear it first."

"Wait, Angela. Are you telling me that… whoooh, Tony is the father?" Mona screamed excitedly, "that's much better than I had imagined. I'm relieved that the doctor's tadpoles sailed too slowly. What luck! So when he will be back?" Mona asked, meaningfully.

Angela looked into the happy eyes of her mother and swallowed. She looked down on the table and started shoving the place mat from right to left. A tear dropped on the light blue plastic.

"Angela?" Mona asked startled and put her hand on Angela's arm, "he will come back, won't he?" I mean we are talking about an Italian family man."

"I sent him away that day he came into my office. I said I didn't want to see him again. Ever. I said so many things… I," she whispered. All the tenseness that had built up over the past week unloaded in crying now. With teary eyes she looked to her mother. "I've hurt him, Mom. He… we are not together and he won't come back, at least not to live here. He needs time to get used to this new situation and I need time too."

"That might be true now, but there are a few more months to figure it out."

"That's what he is trying to do, figure something out; but I don't know if there is chance to work this out. We made so many mistakes and he is so… different from the Tony I thought I knew."

"So he didn't exactly twirl you around and act like a freaking father?"

"He didn't touch me, not even with his pinky."

"That's strange, Angela. I need you to ask one question," Mona shifted on her chair, " are you sure Tony is the father?"

"Mother! Not even Tony asked me this."

"No? That means he trusts you completely."

Suddenly Angela's eyes dried up. Her mother had a point. She had told Tony her trust was broken but _he_ hadn't shown the slightest doubt. Would there ever be chance to make everything better?


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

During the next week Angela reduced her workload. She lived healthier and ate three meals a day. Since she hadn't recognized her former nausea as a phenomenon of her pregnancy she was now over it. The doctor had told her that everything was fine, the blood test was okay and the ultrasound had shown a healthy fetus. Angela was carried away when she saw her baby for the first time. When she was pregnant with Jonathan that kind of examination didn't exist. What had bothered her the most was that she was on her own. The doctor had asked her if she or the baby's father had any health problems and she had blushed furiously. The question had made her think of Tony's perfectly flawless body. She could only shake her head in negative response. In the end the doctor prognosticated an easy process and she was relieved that everything went so well. For a moment while lying on the examination table she wished Tony was at her side holding her hand, but that was out of the question.

When she was back in the agency she shortly considered calling him to tell him the results of the examinations but then rejected the idea. He had said he would call her and she didn't want to harass him. Angela got more nervous with each passing day, but he kept her waiting until Sunday to receive the relieving call. He had called while she was having breakfast but the talk was awkward and left her nervous. At first when she heard his voice her heartbeat quickened. Actually he didn't say much beside that he had rescheduled his classes and would fly over on Thursday evening. That would mean they had at least three days for… Yes, for what? Figuring out something? Finding a way back? Talking about custody? Not the slightest idea of what they would do in the future came into her mind. She couldn't think of raising the baby together with Tony. Yes, she could think of it but certainly he couldn't. 3000 miles was a long distance. She also couldn't think about raising the baby without him and she was sure he wouldn't leave parenting to her alone.

When the plane landed at LaGuardia Tony expected Sam to pick him up and was surprised that she didn't show up at the gate. Slowly he moved towards the exit, looking around more intensely to make sure he hadn't missed his daughter.

"Tony?"

Her voice never failed to surprise him. There she was, standing close to the transportation desk waving with one hand. God, she was stunning! She looked much better than two weeks ago and the specific aura of motherhood surrounded her like a halo. He went over and their eyes met. She indeed looked different but her questioning eyes were much the same as they had been the day she stood in his doorway.

"Hi," he said when he stood in front of her.

"Hi," she replied and lifted her arm. She was about to touch him but then dropped it down.

"Uuhm, how are you doing?" he asked and together they walked toward the exit.

"Fine, I'm feeling fine. Everything is okay."

"I expected Sam to pick me up."

"She wanted to, but her car broke down and she called me. I had a meeting in the city anyway."

"You shouldn't work so much."

"I've reduced my hours but I would be relieved if you drove back to Fairfield," she told him and handed him her keys.

They reached the parking lot. Tony led her to the passenger side then took his place on the driver's seat. It felt odd to drive the Jaguar again. So familiar and yet so strange. During the drive to Fairfield they didn't talk much. Angela informed him about the results of her appointment in detail and minutes later she fell asleep. From time to time he looked at her face, her closed eyes and her long lashes. Strands of her hair had fallen on her face but he didn't dare touch her, being too afraid to wake her up. After reaching the driveway at Oak Hills Drive she woke up, looking around slightly disoriented.

"Oh, we are already home," she wiped her eyes, "I'm sorry, I wasn't entertaining."

"No reason to be sorry. I like….,"he cut himself off before the truth slipped out. He had wanted to say, "I like watching you sleep, "but instead went with the far safer," I like that you are able to sleep everywhere you sit."."

Together they walked over to the house. Tony was about unlocking the front door when he looked at the key. All at once his heart started pounding heavily. That wasn't his key anymore and he had no right to use it. He swallowed and stared at the "BA", the golden emblem of the Bower Agency. After a few seconds he lifted his head and took two steps backwards. He held the keys up to Angela who looked at him with wide eyes. She had observed his extraordinary reaction with fright, exactly knowing what was running through his mind. The key dropped to the floor and she bent down to pick it up. When she put the key in the door her hands were trembling. Quietly they entered the house, both feeling odd. The long weekend seemed not to stand under a good star.

Angela hung her jacket on the rack and stroked her hands nervously over her skirt. Tony did the same with his jacket and crossed the room slowly. He stopped in front of the book shelf. It looked like it always looked. Even the picture of all five of them from their first year together was in its place. The same picture he hid in the back of his wardrobe deep down under his shirts. His eyes wandered over the books and absentmindedly he took a Jane Austen book out of the shelf and arrayed it at the beginning of the row. Austen before Brecht. Then he turned around to Angela. She was still standing in the middle of the living room and hadn't moved.

"I'm sorry, Angela. I'm feeling bizarre here. I… I thought I would never come back into this house. Actually I'm overwhelmed." He shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm going to change clothes; that will give you some time alone," she replied and went upstairs.

Tony walked through the swing door. The kitchen. His former work place. Slowly he passed through the room. Everything was in its old place. The pots with herbs above the sink. The water dispenser in the corner. The spice rack. Only the old coffee brewer had been replaced by a new modern coffee machine.

The swing door flew open and Angela appeared in light blue sweat pants and a white shirt. Her belly was lightly rounded and Tony couldn't glance away. Her pregnancy had become obvious.

Angela blushed at his silent observation and stroked over her stomach.

"Yes, I'm beginning to show and I can't keep the secret for long. I didn't tell the children yet because I… . I don't know what to say. I can't offer them a satisfying explanation and I wanted to ask you first."

"We will tell them together but we need more time alone to work this out, Angela," he said and rubbed his hands.

"I know."

She paced back and forth through the kitchen but then returned to him again.

"You must be hungry, Tony. Shall we order in some pizza?"

"Angela, order in? Let me see what's in the fridge and I'll conjure up a meal for us."

"Tony, you don't need to cook. That's… that's," she replied flustered.

"What? You don't like my cooking?"

"That's not what I mean, you know that. I always liked your cooking," she looked down to the floor.

"Well, then," with those words he went over to the fridge and opened it," all that I need for a marinara sauce.

He started his preparations and Angela set the kitchen table. Her stomach did flip flops. He stood there like he had for the past seven years, as if nothing had changed. He chopped tomatoes and herbs. He threw the spaghetti into the boiling water and a wonderful meal was finished in 15 minutes.

"Do you want some wine, Tony?"

"No, I don't want alcohol. You can't drink anyway."

"It smells perfect. I haven't had such a marinara sauce since… since you," she couldn't finish the sentence.

"Since I moved out? There is no reason not to call the child by its name, Angela.

"Yes," she whispered.

The rest of meal passed in silence. They tidied up together and with a cup of tea they entered the living room and took a place on the couch. Tony placed his cup on the table and folded his hands in his lap. During the past week he had reassessed his new life situation. When he had moved to California to start a new life he had felt depressed and over the weeks it hadn't gotten any better. He liked his new job and the beach was a cool place to live, but there was no point in denying it: He wasn't happy. It hadn't so much to do with the location as with the separation from Angela. He was lonesome and he missed the rest of the family, but leaving L. A. and quitting his new job was out of the question; he needed experience. So he had developed an idea and it was about time to convince Angela.

"Angela, I did a lot of thinking this the week. You said you don't expect anything from me and I know you would never press me into anything, but not expecting doesn't mean you don't have dreams and wishes. Do you really want the baby growing up fatherless? I can't believe that. You know I'm not the type of man who brings a child into the world and then turn my back to you."

"Tony, I did a lot of thinking too, believe me, but I don't want you to change your life again because of me… me being so incautious. I made a lot of mistakes, God knows how many, but I would never tie you to something you never wanted," her eyes were pleading, "and talking about dreams… I banished all my dreams in a dark corner of the basement, Tony. And they get dusty more and more."

She couldn't suppress the sadness in her voice. She had messed up. Everything was her fault. He had decided that he wouldn't be around to fulfill his role as the father of her unborn baby.

"Angela?" he whispered, "I'm good at dusting. If you give me the chance the air will be as clear like after a spring cleaning. Look, this situation we are in, how did we get into it?"

It was a rhetorical question and so Tony went on talking. He rose from the couch and paced through the room.

"I'll tell you how we got into it. It's because of lying, Angela. Because of telling the untruth. Because of not being honest about our feelings. Because of not talking about our dreams and wishes. Because of suppressing everything we felt. Because of denying. There are hundreds of "because". And each of them had led us to this awful situation we are in. We lost everything because of those "becauses". If we want to… want to get back friendship and trust we'll have to rework things. You said you have lost your trust and I understand that, but if you want us to be good parents you need to trust me again… and I would do anything for that," he rushed his hands through his hair and then got interrupted by her voice.

"Tony, I.. I do trust you. I guess, I never really lost it. I talked myself into believing I didn't… but it's not true," she said insistently.

"Why? Why do you trust me so suddenly? What did I say?"

Angela went over to the window where he stood and stopped in front of him.

"It's more what you didn't say, Tony. You didn't ask me that question," she surprised him with that answer.

"What question?" He raised his eye brows.

"You didn't ask me if I'm sure you're the father of the baby. You had no doubts. You believed me. The second I told you you trusted that I was telling you the truth. I talked with my mother about that lately and the moment I told her I realized that I never lost my trust because_ you _trusted me without hesitation."

He looked into her eyes, astonished.

"I would never have a doubt. If you tell me I'm the father I'm sure I am. I know for sure that you would never lie to me about that."

"And I'm thankful for that, I don't deserve it."

"You deserve everything you want, Angela."

She looked down to the floor. All at once she felt so tired. Tired of the entire muddle around. This evening turned to be out to be an emotional roller coaster ride.

Tony observed her sudden paleness and walked over to her.

"Look, we're both exhausted and it's late. We can talk tomorrow and you need your rest. I'll come over for breakfast, before you go to work."

"I won't go to work. I'll take the day off. It's more important to clear up things," she explained, " but what do you mean with _come over?_ Where do you want to go?" she asked nervously.

"I rented a room at the Fairfield Inn. I can't sleep at Sam's dorm, so I needed a hotel."

"I thought you would… ," she commenced to talk, " you could sleep here, in your old room. I didn't change anything."

He breathed heavily, looking around the room. Everything was so familiar, but nevertheless so strange. He swallowed hard. There was no way that he would find any sleep here.

"Thank you for the offer but I… I can't sleep here. It wouldn't feel right to me and I… I can't, Angela. So many memories I'm not ready for. I'm sorry but I have to leave," he was focused on her sad eyes and instantly felt guilty.

Tony walked to the door and took his jacket. He turned around and their eyes met. Both mirroring the same kind of sorrow, guilt and pain. His hand touched the doorknob and the iron felt so cold in his hand.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ang. Sleep well," with these last words he left the house and closed the door behind him.

Angela stared at the door he had vanished through and a single tear went down her cheek. Bye, she whispered to herself.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

It was late when Tony reached the Fairfield Inn. It felt like he had acted bizarrely by not sleeping at Angela's house. She had been disappointed. He was certain about that but he couldn't bring himself to stay overnight. He wasn't the housekeeper anymore or her partner. What was he? The father of her unplanned unborn child? What did he want? She said she didn't expect anything but was that the truth? When Michael, her husband, had left her she was devastated. Why was she so self-assured this time? Or was she? Was it just a role she played? But why? Tony fell into a restless sleep, not getting any relaxation.

At the same time Angela paced through her dark house. There was no indication that Tony had been there earlier except the slight scent of marinara sauce with garlic that hung in the air of the kitchen. He had turned down her offer to sleep here. Of course he had. What had she imagined? They were different now, distanced. Their relationship was doubtful and everything was so unbelievably difficult. They had never been like this before. They had been able to talk about everything. Why was everything so complicated? Why had she sent him away? Angela fell asleep on the couch and when the first daylight made its way through the window she felt more exhausted than ever. She hadn't even heard Jonathan coming home and putting a blanket on her.

The first thing she heard in the morning was a knock on the door. She lifted her head, disoriented for a moment. Oh god, she had slept in. Then she shuffled to the front door and opened it. Tony stood at the door with a paper bag. He had already been to the supermarket and the bakery. The smell of fresh bagels and croissants was unmistakable. She thought she must look like hell; her hair was tousled and she had slept in her sweat pants.

"Mornin', Angela. Did you sleep well?" he asked innocently, not seeing her careworn look. Yes, she looked like she hadn't slept well, but she looked always beautiful to him.

"I couldn't sleep and when I finally did fall asleep it was on the couch."

"Tell you what. I'll prepare breakfast and you can take a shower or bath or whatever."

She nodded and then explained apologetically.

"Tony, Jonathan is home. What… do we tell him as a reason you are here?"

"We can tell him I want to see Sam. Hey-oh, Angela. It's not a big deal, I'm looking forward seeing him."

And that's how it worked. Tony walked into the kitchen and started making pancakes like he had always done. Twenty minutes later Angela and Jonathan entered the kitchen. Jonathan was excited to see Tony so unexpectedly in the middle of the school year. They hugged each other and both of them were visibly moved.

"Tony how come you're here?" Jonathan smiled from one ear to another.

"I missed Sam, I haven't seen her in months. I missed you, I missed Mona… I missed… , yeah well, everyone."

"We missed you too. It's not the same without you. Actually nothing is the same without you. We don't sit together at breakfast or dinner, our family is different." Jonathan wasn't too embarrassed to admit the truth to Tony while Angela seemingly felt uneasy.

"If I had known you were coming I wouldn't have agreed to this weekend trip with Peter and his father, but they are picking me up in a few minutes. We're going camping and fly-fishing. I never did that before," Jonathan told him his weekend plans, "I can still cancel."

Angela and Tony exchanged a glance, both feeling the discomfort between each other. Tony cleared his throat.

"Jonathan, it's not necessary to change all your plans. I won't lie to you. Your mother and I… we need to clear up some things and we have to do that alone."

Oh," Jonathan looked from one to another, "good. I mean… whatever you have to clear. I hope everything will turn out well. For both of you. I guess I would be in the way anyway."

"Hey-oh, you're never in the way. It's just… ," Tony started to comfort him, but Jonathan just smiled.

"It's all right, Tony. Don't risk your head with reckless talk; just answer me one question. Will I see you more often if things, whatever they are, turn out well?"

Angela darted Tony a questioning and tense glance. Without any knowing her son had asked an important question. Tony gave her a glance back.

"I'll guess you will, anyway."

Hot blood rushed through Angela's veins. He wouldn't leave her alone with their baby. Perhaps they could never go back to the place they were a mere year earlier, but something was still there and would ever be.

A horn interrupted the moment of truth and Jonathan rose from his chair. He grabbed the bag which stood at the door and gave Tony a shoulder pat.

"Guys, whatever you do. Don't mess it up." He rushed out of the back door.

Tony and Angela stayed at the table, both staring into their cups. Tony was the first who interrupted the silence.

"Angela, I've thought about so many things and I've come to a conclusion… If we ever want to find a way we have to process our relationship; or at least what is left of it. I know that won't be easy for both of us but we have responsibilities here. We owe it the baby. He or she deserves good parents, parents who act in concert, who care a lot." Their eyes met over the table. "What do you think? Are you able to go through an analysis from the very beginning? Do you even want this?"

She nodded carefully, "that means we have to swallow pride and dignity? You're a proud man, Tony. Are you sure you're able to do that? It also means we have to be absolutely honest about our feelings, the former ones and the latter ones."

"I want to try, Angela. If you agree I'm ready." He breathed in deeply as he looked at her expression.

"When you're ready, I'm ready too. But I need to let you know that I'm frightened. What if things get worse than they already are?"

"Do we have anything to lose?"

"No, but I don't know where to start."

"Neither do I; all I know is that everything starts with when I stood at your door. I was full of hope; I thought I made a good decision leavin' Brooklyn with Sam. Hell, what a risk I took. I gave up my apartment, my work at Mrs. Rossini's for a dream and it was worth every second. Well, at first when you opened your door I thought I could never work for a woman like you. The day before Mona showed me a picture of you and Jonathan but it couldn't live up to the expectations. I thought there was no way that you'd hire me." Tony let out a laugh and switched his cup from one hand to another in memory of that sunny September morning so long ago. "Why did you?"

"You really want to know? Actually I didn't want to, but when you brought Samantha in I was besotted. Jonathan had always been a kind of maverick and you had a connection to him from the very first moment. And I liked the way Sam charmed me with her compliments. That and…the butterflies in my stomach made my decision."

"You had butterflies?" Tony chuckled amused, "I had them too. You were so beautiful;" he said quietly, "you still are of course. More than ever. I was attracted to you from the very first day but realizing that I cared for you occurred to me a short time later. The day I surprised you in the bathtub. I met that professor, Cindy Morell, and she came over to pick me up and you were so… embarrassed and she insulted you after playing that stupid role game. I could see you'd been hurt and ashamed and I wanted you to feel better. I recognized that it was important to me how you felt and that I cared about you.."

"I felt better after she was gone. Without you. Do you know what mother said about that incident?" Angela's thoughts went back to that day after Tony had gone back to his work and she had been left with her mother in the living room. "She said: Angela, this is exactly the right man for you. Don't let him ever walk away." She paused shortly. "I guess children should listen attentively sometimes."

"Regrets, Angela?"

"A lot."

"Me too. Do you remember when we came home after Jonathan sent us on that Valentine's date?"

"How could I ever forget that? He was so scared that he could lose you."

"He was and I felt so sorry for him."

"You found the right words to reassure him."

"But it was only half of the truth. I wanted to say so much more and I couldn't. I wanted to reassure him and tell him that I already liked you… liked you in that way he wanted us to be." Tony jumped off the kitchen chair and paced through the kitchen. He had said it out loud.

Angela's heart started racing. "You liked me then? How is that possible that I never noticed?"

"Because of the because, Angela. Denial."

"Tony?"

"Hmm?"

"That was the best Valentine's date I ever had. And I lied when I told you in the restaurant that I didn't fall for you. Like you said: denial."

"You had a crush on me, Angela? At that time?" Tony looked surprised.

"I wouldn't say I had a crush. It was more, so much more," she dared to tell him and observe his response. What would he say?

He could only star at her, sadly and with a pained expression.

"If I had only known."

"That's what I could say too."

"No, no. That's not the right way," with a groan he raked his fingers through his tangled hair," so hard as it may be, I did know you had feelings for me and you certainly knew that I had feelings for you. We are doing it again, Angela. We are beating around the bush.

"We have been cowards, Tony. Both of us and I must admit it's not easy to get over this," Angela gave in, "but for a man who didn't know where to start the beginning was quite good."

"Conversation between us had always been easy, most of the time. At least when we didn't talk about ourselves."

"We had good moments over the years, didn't we? But we were so reluctant. We never acted on our feelings.

"And we wanted to. I didn't want to go away ever. Not even when that great job in Washington had been offered to me."

"You mean the one as a _Parents Association National Coordinator for Special Projects_?" She rattled out the job description like it was one word.

Tony chuckled, remembering that awful long designation for that job. They looked in each other's eyes and started to laugh. It felt so good to laugh together again and for a moment all differences were forgotten. The times they had had together had been good, mostly. And then suddenly everything had gotten out of hand. Both of them were pretty aware of it and the laugh ended abruptly.

"And then I made that mess," Tony rose from his chair and paced through the kitchen, "this kitchen has seen a lot of messes but they were nothing compared to that biggest mistake of my life."

Angela looked up, in her eyes were unshed tears. She stroked her hands over her arms to protect herself from what was coming now and then pressed her fingertips together. They had never spoken about that point, that night when her world collapsed like a house of cards. She needed to know. Now.

"What happened, Tony?" she asked him quietly, "please tell me why. I need to understand."

Tony swallowed hard and looked into her sad eyes. "I was so tired, Angela. Tired and exhausted by our unsettled relationship, from studying, from loads of everyday life and the feeling of not being so needed anymore. Suddenly there was someone who wanted me. Me, the man. Me, Tony Micelli. Not the father, not the friend and not the housekeeper. And I gave in. For a moment I wanted to lose all the tension I felt, a tension that had built up over months and years. Suddenly I had that feeling, " we'll never have a future, Angela." I was despondent and crestfallen; I leaned back and let it happen. I just closed my eyes and forgot what we had, what we wanted. I forgot our life over Kathleen. No, I didn't forget. I shoved it away. For a woman I didn't know very well before that night, and not even liked her before.

Tony paced through the kitchen and ran his hands through his hair. This whole conversation put him through the wringer. He was sweating, his heart raced in memory of that day. He had lost his equilibrium. "It was my fault, Angela. Everything was my fault. We wouldn't have been in that rather fraught situation if I had pulled myself together that night. The worst thing was, I knew the whole time that what I did was wrong, but I couldn't fight against it. I was a coward, too chicken to fight for us. After that night I was too powerless to stop that thoughtless affair I lingered in."

Tony took his place on the chair again and buried his face in his hands. He breathed in and out for a few times then looked at Angela again. "I'll never forget your face when we talked in your study. I made you pay for my sins, I've hurt you and I've lost you. If I could turn back time I…. "

"But you can't, Tony. Anyway you don't know what would have happened in that future we haven't had. Maybe we would have never gotten together, maybe we did and it didn't work like we thought it would. Maybe…" Angela got interrupted.

"Maybe we are already married and are expecting our first baby, "he said and the curiosity hit him. Their eyes met and Angela shook her head, at first unable to understand the coherence, but then the similarity to their current life hit her.

"That isn't so far from what we have now," she whispered.

"That is completely crazy, Angela."

"I know. And I know how difficult it was for you to talk about that. Thank you, I really appreciate that."

"Please, don't defend me and what I've done. I sent you through hell, I'm very aware of that and I've blamed myself every minute since then."

"I know you do, but I'm no longer sure that the entire fault was on you, Tony. I've thought about that a thousand times. So many nights I couldn't sleep. The more I racked my brain the less I was convinced that it was entirely your fault."

"Things got all wrong after I… did what I did."

"Tony," she started to say and bit on her bottom lip, "that's exactly what I mean. I'm not longer sure about that. Things started to go wrong earlier, a long time earlier." She paused for a moment, not sure if she could make clear to him what she was going to say. "Things started to go wrong in Jamaica, Tony. Jamaica was the crux of the matter. And that wasn't you fault."

Now it was out. Something she thought about for months. When she figured it out she had been relieved and had known she could take the weight from his shoulders that he carried along for so long now; she herself had felt a sort of relief too.

"Jamaica? In Jamaica everything was fine, Angela. We were happy… in a way."

Tony shook his head, incapable of understanding her peculiar mental leaps. In Jamaica they had almost come together. He had been near to confessing his love, but once again he had slammed on the brakes and pulled away.

"Angela, I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship, but it wasn't the whole truth. I was ready, but I was a coward one more time. I wanted you so much that night. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to make love to you, to show you how I felt. If you think things went wrong there, well maybe but it had to be my fault as well."

"No Tony, it takes two to tango. Yes, you put our relationship in cold storage but I… I agreed to it. I accepted your decision to wait until your graduation."

"I didn't give you much of a say in it, did I?"

"I'm a big girl, Tony. I could have said 'no'. Think of it, what would have happened if I had said no? If I had said I don't want to wait any longer? What would you have done if I hadn't agreed, Tony?"

Her haunting questions caught him off guard. There was only one possible answer. The truth. "I have never been able to resist you and certainly never would have betrayed you later with Kathleen. I would've done what I wanted to do so desperately. I would have made love to you." Tony observed her expression. Over the years Angela had been right with most of her decisions and suggestions.

"See? It all comes back to the real point. It's not good to suppress feelings for too long. It makes one sad and desperate. It isn't even healthy and we both did that, I guess we still do." Angela looked down sadly and indecisively.

"So what you're going to say is that we both made a mistake? That we both came to wrong conclusions?" Tony couldn't believe what she just explained to him, but it seemed she had a point here.

"That's precisely my opinion."

"You could be right. If we had given in in Jamaica and had made love we would be together today. I would never have become involved with Kathleen."

"And I would never have almost married a man I didn't love."

Tony could only stare at her. The air became tense in the kitchen. Of all possible scenarios he had never thought of this one. Jamaica as the reason for the deep chasm in their relationship had never entered his mind, but he knew she was right.

"Angela, what are we going to do with all these new insights?"

"I don't know. But I could use a break, I need to let everything sink in."

"So do I. What if you take a nap and I go over to Sam?"

"Tony we aren't through, are we?" she asked carefully.

He sent her a sad glance. "No, I guess not." He left the kitchen and opened the back door.

"You want to take the Jag?"

"No, thank you. I'll walk. Some fresh air is exactly what I need. See you in a few hours."

She just nodded in response.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Tony had spent two hours at Sam's. Sam didn't exactly understand what he was doing in Fairfield. She wanted to worm everything out of him and had been very pushy. Just like her father she couldn't deny her Italian roots when it came to family matters; but Tony remained silent. They had eaten pizza in a new restaurant near the dorm and had some good laughs together. The distance between them hadn't hurt their father-daughter relationship even though Sam was deeply affected by the abrupt ending of her father's formerly strong relationship with Angela; but as an inveterate optimist she hadn't lost hope.

Tony felt much better after some light talk with his daughter. The distraction had cleared his head and he walked back to Oak Hills Drive full of confidence. When he entered through the backyard, he noticed Angela sitting on the wooden swing he had attached to the oak tree so many years ago.

"Hey," he said noticing her dreamy facial expression.

"Hey, feelin' better?" Angela looked at him.

"Hmm," he stretched out his hand and she put hers in his," what about a walk, Angela?

"I'd love to. The doctor has prescribed more movement and fresh air for me." She rose from the swing and turned to the door. "I need my jacket; I forgot it in my study."

"I can get it for you if you want."

She nodded in agreement and Tony let go of her hand and entered the house to get her the jacket. When he found himself in her little home office mixed feelings welled up in him. He associated this room with the end of their relationship. He glimpsed a new blue jacket on the chair and walked around the desk to pick it up. A photo caught his eye. One he never saw before. It was one of him. And only him. He hadn't expected her setting a picture of him on her desk. Why had she done this when she didn't want to see him again? It was a picture from their vacation in Mexico. Obviously Mona had shot this during their hat dance. When Angela had been so happy and free from all things. Mona had pushed the button right at the moment he smiled at Angela so lovingly. Tony grabbed the jacket and decided not to mention the photo.

They took the Jag for the ride to a nearby park where they had been often when Jonathan and Sam had been little. The weather was still warm and sunny. The air was clear; the sun sparkled through the trees and reflected off the water. Everything was peaceful and quiet. No other people crowded the small path around the lake. Angela and Tony walked in silence, close to each other. Neither of them knew how to continue with their earlier conversation. They had come to a certain point and a bit of frustration encumbered both of them.

"Angela, can I ask you something? I know you won't like it, but I need to understand," Tony asked to break the tension.

"We both don't like this conversation very much, it puts us through hell but we agreed we have to go through this so you can ask me anything," Angela replied forcefully.

"Why didn't you ever want to see me again? After that night we had? I thought…, we could figure out an "us" after all. That night, it meant so much to me. You meant so much to me. Please tell me, why?" Tony adjured her emphatically.

Angela couldn't answer at first. This was the most feared question for her and she composed herself, swallowing down the big lump in her throat.

"What I need to say first is… it was never meant to hurt you. I.. well I told you that I had that woman-to-woman-talk with Isabelle and Wendy and they couldn't comprehend that we never… you know," she stopped for a moment watching his expression. He looked at her attentively; waiting for her explanation to give him a better understanding of the situation.

"That we never had sex?" Tony answered without hesitation. The time to be shy about discussing it seemed to be over.

"Yes, and I realized I didn't have an answer as to 'why not?'" Suddenly I wanted it so much. Not only the sex, but being close to you, having a connection. All at once I wasn't sure whether I could marry Andy or not and it had nothing to do with pre-wedding jitters. I stopped thinking and I just acted. I almost turned back when I stood at your door and I was prepared for anything. I expected two things to happen," she paused for a moment, "either you would reject me once again and throw me out or have pity-sex with me."

Angela walked slowly shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket. She looked down at the gritty ground they drifted over. She had questioned her exceptional behavior a thousand times and still didn't understand all of it. A few sittings at Dr. Bellows' had helped her get through the worst but they hadn't come to her kneejerk reaction so far.

"Pity-sex?" Do you really believe I had pity-sex with you?" Tony felt deeply aggrieved.

"No," she whispered sadly, downright aghast by the hurt in his eyes, "neither of the two things that I thought would happen happened. What I never expected was that you…," she breathed in and went on talking, "I never expected you to make love to me. When you touched me I felt so wanted and desired like never before and I never had those feelings for any other man; I got lost in a roller coaster of feelings and was so confused. You said so many things to me, you said you loved me and I couldn't answer you, I wanted to dismiss all you said, you know, as lost in bliss pillow talk. Then I realized I had betrayed my finance without any thought. What an awful woman I am."

Shame and guilt took over and her tears were flowing now. She sobbed a few times but got herself under control very fast.

"You were under a lot of pressure that night and you wouldn't have done what you did if you had really loved Andy," Tony reassured her, "and I meant every single word I said to you. I knew about the situation you were in. We should have talked about your doubts instead of … having sex, making love. I guess you lost all respect for me when I…, when I made love to you. I worked against my own principles. I was weak and a coward."

"I never lost respect for you, I lost respect for myself. After we did…. what we did I drove over to Andy and told him everything. He was hurt and horrified and he had every right to be, after all he understood that you were the reason for everything. He knew that I was shattered from something but I never told him a thing, I never told him that you were the reason that I…, she paused shamefully then made full eye contact with him, "you were the reason that I never slept with him."

Tony didn't know what to say. She had never slept with her fiancé? How was that possible?

"I don't understand, Angela. Why didn't you? He was your fiancé!"

"After that morning you told me about Kathleen I felt so lonely and unwanted. When I had coffee with Peter that night he asked me for a date and I agreed. I had sex with Peter three days after you and…, she couldn't talk and choked down her sob, "well, I had sex with him and had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop crying when it was over. I never should have done that. Peter was nothing but kind and tender, but I stopped seeing him a short time later. When I met Andy I was afraid that the same thing could happen again with him, so I told him I wanted to wait and he agreed to waiting."

Tony couldn't believe that and repeated her statement, "you…you never slept with Andy. So it's hardly surprising that you knew exactly who the father is."

"No, never," she answered slowly, "and after you and I were together I would never have been able to sleep with him." She looked down to the ground.

"Angela, I never had pity-sex with you. That night…. It meant the world to me. When you threw me out the next day I was… I was devastated. I thought we belonged together. When you left me that night without a word, I felt destroyed. I've loved you so much."

"I was so upset and didn't know what to do… I protected myself, I guess. I thought it might be easier if I never saw you again." He had loved her then and he had for years and she had thrown it away, had never accepted his heart which he had given to her. Now it was too late. She had hurt him and he had moved 3000 miles away. His love had certainly died.

They walked slowly, avoiding making any visual contact. It seemed to be inappropriate. Some clouds came up and settled in front of the sun. The shadows seemed to make fun of them. The silence was almost unbearable. They walked slowly, avoiding every contact.

Minutes later, three people walked onto the path, a man, a woman and a little blonde boy.

The little one was in between the two adults and they were holding each other with their hands. The parents swung him in the air and he shrieked with joy each time he landed on his feet again. They moved slowly down to the lake and the woman took some bread out of her bag. The boy started feeding some ducks, which scurried around them. Both, the blonde man and the dark haired woman looked down at him with the pride and happiness only parents could feel for their children. The boy jumped around and spilled out the last pieces of bread. He shouted with glee when the ducks snapped after the crumbs and shambled back into the water with their catch. The man caught his son and placed him on his shoulders where the boy buried his little hands deeply in his father's blonde hair. The woman laughed at them and kissed her husband on the mouth. Then they turned around and walked back hand in hand, the same way they had come from.

Angela had stopped walking in the middle of the path. She couldn't take her eyes away from that lovely family. Tears had built in her eyes and she was unable to stop them anymore. Since she had told Tony about the baby she had been strong and hadn't allowed herself to cry often in front of him, but now it was too much. All the floodgates opened and uncontrollable sobs escaped her mouth.

Tony, himself in deep thought, was too preoccupied to notice her, but suddenly he realized she was no longer beside him. He turned back and saw her standing in the middle of the way, distraught and crying. For a moment he was confused, then he followed her glance. He noticed the little family and he understood, everything was clear like the air. With two big steps he closed the distance between them and folded his arms around her.

"Shhh, don't cry. Please don't cry. I know. I know and I understand, please," he whispered near her ear.

Angela couldn't answer. She clung limply in his arms, unable to move. Tony led her to a nearby small wooden bench. He sat down and pulled her on his lap where she sat, regal, continuing to cry in his neck and he protected her like he would a small child. If it were at all possible to ignore her present state of mind he would let himself revel in the fact that she felt perfect in his arms; but all he could do was press her close against himself and hold her tightly. He could feel her salty tears on his cheek and the scent of her hair made his heartbeat accelerate. He shoved his one hand under her jacket to give her more warmth and physical proximity and slowly her sobbing stopped.

Angela lifted her head and looked at him, teary-eyed.

"I'm sorry, I lost control like this. I became so sad when I saw that sweet little family."

"I know," he leaned back and pulled his hand out of her jacket. Accidentally he touched her belly, but then stopped there. He could feel her slightly rounded tummy in his hand and swallowed hard, unable to pull his hand away.

With a shy smile she placed her hand over his. His warm hand felt so good under hers, his touch had always soothed her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. It was Tony who talked first.

"Angela, you… no, we must be more careful. All this emotional mess is not healthy for our baby. I can see that all this talking stresses you so much. Let's go back, you need a rest. We need a rest." Reluctantly he pulled his hand away and Angela rose off his lap.

"Tony?

"Hmm?"

"It's the first time you said _our_ baby."

"That's probably because I feel for the first time that it belongs to us, not you not me, but us."

Angela nodded at his explanation and when they walked back to the car, the sun came out from behind the clouds again.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Angela had settled down on the couch and was still asleep. The emotional outburst had exhausted her and she needed a rest more than ever. Having a man around who cared for her was so strange after living alone for months, but she quickly fell into the indulgence of Tony's caressing attentiveness again.

Tony meanwhile, made a chocolate cake in the kitchen. Nothing had changed. It felt weird to work in this kitchen again, but Tony managed to knock off the depressing thoughts which had inflicted him after Angela's sudden crying in the park. Just two more days and he had to fly back to L.A. They had taken some further steps, but it was still unsure how their future would look.

Angela woke up to the delicious scent that swirled into the living room. She felt better than a few hours ago, but still kept resting with her eyes closed. The vehemence of her earlier feelings frightened her. She heard Tony coming through the swing door; the china rattling softly in his hands, a noise she had heard a hundred times before, often and preferably in association with the scent of a freshly baked cake.

Tony placed the dishes down on the table and watched Angela for a while. At first he thought she was still sleeping, but her slight smile couldn't fool him. He knew her too well. He took a piece of cake in his hand and waved it under her nose.

Angela couldn't resist any longer and opened her eyes.

"Hmm, something smells yummy."

She sat up and wiped the sleep from her eyes; then looked at her wrist watch. "I've slept for more than two hours. You should have woken me."

"No, you needed your beauty sleep," Tony handed her a plate with a piece of his still warm chocolate cake.

"Thank, you. I've missed this so much."

"Well, at least there's one thing you missed about me," Tony pointed out before thinking.

Angela looked up, surprised by his chilly reply. The smile she had on her face left. His bitterness cut into her heart.

"I'm sorry, Angela. I didn't want to sound so harsh. It's… I'm worried and confused about everything at the moment. This morning when I met Sam, I didn't know what to tell her and I feel that she has a right to know. I don't like lying to her. With Jonathan it was the same. How can we keep it away from them? They both will get a sibling. And there is Sam's boyfriend, Hank. I met him once and he seemed to be good for her and she seemed to be very much in love with him. Today she told me they're looking for an apartment together and their relationship is becoming more and more serious. She is still so young, Angela."

"Just like you were when you married Marie, Tony. You can't assume that everyone takes such a long time to build something."

"It took us seven years to build something, even if it wasn't _that _kind of relationship and it was destroyed in no time."

Angela ignored him completely.

"Tony, Sam is a responsible girl. You can't protect her forever and you can't compare her to us."

The phone rang and Tony almost jumped from the arm chair, but then took his seat again. Old habits die hard. It wasn't his job anymore to answer the phone. It wouldn't be a call for him anyway. Angela walked over and placed the receiver between her ear and shoulder while considering the piece of cake in her hand.

"Hello? Oh, Jonathan, are you all right?" she asked her son, "oh… that's not good. "

She listened to the words of her son and ended the call. "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow. No, sweetheart. It's ok. We just have to talk to you anyway. Bye." She hung up the receiver and turned back to the couch.

"What is it, Angela? Is he ok?"

"Yes, he is. It's just that his friend has sprained his ankle and they'll come back a day earlier. Does that disturb you?"

"No, no. Of course not."

Tony stood up and passed through the living room. "Maybe it's about time to tell them, Angela. We can't keep this secret forever. Your pregnancy will become visible and I don't want the neighbors know it earlier than our own kids."

He glanced at her belly, which seemed suddenly more rounded than one day before or was he just imagining that? How he wished he could place his hands on it like a few hours earlier in the park, but a big chasm had opened between them again. While Angela had slept on the couch, he had reflected on their situation, something that Angela actually did most of the time.

"Tony, you're right. Please call Sam and invite her over for tomorrow afternoon. We need to talk to them, even though I don't know exactly how we can explain this situation."

"We'll come up with something, I'm sure."

"Well, I'm going to change clothes and we can think of something after that."

Tony nodded absentmindedly while Angela went upstairs. He was deep in thought when he heard a loud scream from above.

"Angela," he yelled, "are you ok?"

"Tony, please come up," her nervous voice between crying and screaming.

Tony took the stairs in three big steps and stormed into her room without knocking. He noticed her pale face and horrified expression.

"You've got to take me to the hospital, Tony. I'm bleeding," she started to sob, "I'm so scared."

Ton's heart skipped a beat. "Oh, god. Come on, I'll carry you, you may not walk." Tony wasted no time and took her in his strong arms. He carried her downstairs without hesitation. "Please, god, don't let anything happen to her and our baby. Let them both be ok," he was silently praying during the short walk to her car. He placed her on the backseat where she laid back watching him in desperation.

"Stay calm, Angela. I'll take you to the doctor. Everything will be fine, it isn't something serious, it can't be, "he said, closing the door and hastily taking his place in the driver's seat. In no time he pulled the Jag out of the driveway.

They arrived at the Fairfield Hospital in minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. Tony parked near the door and jumped out of the car. Angela, on the back seat, wanted to get out, but he didn't let her walk. He took her in his arms and ran through the ER entrance. Some people yelled after him and he stopped to place her in a wheel chair. A nurse took the chair out of his hands and pushed Angela to an examination room. He dutifully followed as Angela was moved from the chair to the bed. For a moment he was unsure. Like lots of men he wasn't comfortable with women's issues. A doctor came running and before the door closed behind her, Angela reached for his hand.

"Tony, please stay."

Her fearful voice made him cringe and he pressed her hand. He tenderly stroked her hair out of her face.

"Don't worry. Of course I'll stay. Everything will be ok. I know it, I really do." Tony whispered, trying to encourage her.

"Mr. Micelli," the doctor said, "we need to examine your wife. Please, you have to wait outside. I'll give you the results as soon as I'm finished."

"But I don't want to leave her alone!" Tony said emphatically.

"Just for a few minutes, please, Mr. ….. "

"Micelli," Tony answered.

The doctor made a move to send Tony out of the room, "please, you can fill in the papers during this. You need to do that anyway and you can't help her right at this moment."

"It's ok, Tony, Angela whispered, "it won't last long."

"I'm waiting outside," Tony whispered," I'm close."

The door closed and he stayed back, staring at the shadows he could see behind the frosted milk glass window, standing alone in a brightly illuminated corridor.

"I need to call Mona," he thought, but couldn't bring himself to move and leave the waiting room to make the call. Tony fell on the chair with slumped shoulders and he buried his face in his hands. He didn't make a move for what felt like hours. "What will happen to us if something is wrong with the baby?" Would Angela send him back and reject him again? His brain got in an emotional rollercoaster during the minutes of waiting.

Angela rested on the bed, silently praying. While the doctor prepared himself for the tests, she couldn't think about anything but her baby. All those weeks during her pregnancy she had been sure that everything would be fine. The thought of something could go wrong hadn't entered her mind. She had seen her unborn child as a piece of their exceptional family and secretly hoped that once the baby was born, circumstances would change for the better. She felt helpless and at the mercy of the doctor who had finished the gynecological examination and now palpated her belly.

An inner kick was the answer to the carefully pressing hands of the smiling examiner who now gave her a soothing nod.

After twenty minutes a nurse waved Tony into the examination room. Angela still lay on a bed, but looked a little more relaxed than earlier. He quickly walked over and grabbed her hands which felt cold as ice.

"Angela?" he asked torn between the doctor and her.

"Your wife will be fine and the baby too. The bleeding has stopped at any rate and I can't find anything to worry about. The cervix is closed, that's a good sign. Just make sure that Mrs. Micelli gets less stress. Sleep and relaxation are important. She doesn't need to stay here, but you need to keep an eye on her." The doctor shook Tony's hand good bye and left the room. Tony didn't even have the chance to correct his assumption of Angela being his wife.

Angela sat up, her face ghostlike and scared. Both of them were unable to speak after the shock and the quick change of the situation.

One hour ago they had planned to tell the kids about Angela's pregnancy and now they were worried about losing the baby.

"Come on. We need to go home and you need to rest. I.. I'll stay overnight, I just need to pick up my luggage from the Fairfield Inn. I'll stop in there on our way back," Tony cleared his throat, "only if you want me to stay… ."

She stared at him. What a difference between yesterday and today. He had been so uncomfortable when she suggested staying at her home and now he was like he had always been. Solicitous and attentive.

"If you don't want to stay, Tony, I'll call mother. You know she would come immediately."

"I would be totally unable to sleep, Angela. I'll sleep in my old room." Tony made his point clear, "can you walk?"

"Yes, I can." She rose off the examination bed and grabbed Tony's arm, "I'm just a little dizzy, but it's the shock."

Tony put his arm around her waist to uphold her and slowly they left the hospital. He opened the passenger door and she took her place on the seat. In silence he started the car. After so many years of living in Fairfield Tony knew every bump on the streets and now he was avoiding every concussion. He quickly stopped at the Fairfield Inn for check out and ran back to the Jag, a bag in his hand. Worriedly, Tony drove them both home.

Later, Angela sat down on the couch and took the forgotten plate with a piece of chocolate cake in her hand. Tony scurried around to help her get more comfortable. After she had nibbled on the cake he lifted her feet up and placed them on a pillow. All he could think about was what could have happened to Angela and their baby if he hadn't been there this weekend. They didn't talk much and Angela closed her eyes for a moment, but couldn't hold back her anxious fears.

"Tony, what would have happened if I had lost the baby?" she asked him, frightened of his answer.

Tony looked over to her from his place on the arm chair, not sure how to answer her question. Anything he could possibly say could be wrong or she could understand everything the wrong way. In fact he didn't know what would have happened. He would have liked to question her about that himself.

"Angela, that didn't and won't happen. You're ok, our baby is healthy and we'll still work on a solution," he reassured her.

"But I need to know," her voice brittle," would we still try to work on our relationship? Would you even want that? Would you be relieved?"

"Angela, how can you say such a thing? You can't seriously think I would be relieved if you had lost the baby," Tony jumped off the couch, hardly suppressing his anger, "you know I love children. Just because we are a lifetime away from a resolution doesn't mean that I don't want it. The main reason I can't come up with something is that I'm not exactly a half time father; I'm not an every second weekend and the second half of vacation father… and Angela, we still have to talk about what happened in the park."

Angela meanwhile wasn't sure that she would like to talk about that again, but they had promised each other sincerity and honesty, so she threw caution to the wind and gathered herself.

"You know me, I'm a person who is strong and self-controlled most of the time. There aren't many people with I can be myself with and show my emotions to. You've been one of those the last years. That's what happened earlier, I lost my self-possession," she explained carefully and wiped her sweaty hands on the couch.

"It has something to do with the family we saw there, hasn't it?"

"It certainly has. When I saw that wonderful little family, I was reminded of what we had when our kids were younger and suddenly I… I wanted to have that again. Us, being a family and raising a child like we did with Samantha and Jonathan. I want to be a mother again so badly and there is no man in the world I would rather have as a father at my side than you. I want us to be parents again," Angela whispered and turned her face away. She couldn't look into his eyes. What would he say to her admission? Had she just brought him into an awkward situation? Would he try to be let off the hook?

"I knew you would think so. Look, all those years we had this family were the happiest years of my life and there is no woman I would rather have as the mother of my baby than you, but we've been a family without… without being a couple and it was okay then, but now…," he avoided looking at her," now it's no longer enough for me. I want more. We can't live here together anymore and pretend to be just good friends. We'll have a common child soon, what should we tell him when he or maybe she gets older? Well, I'm a Catholic but I don't believe in Immaculate Conception and I don't want to indoctrinate our baby with that. So, I'm sorry. It wouldn't work for me to live with you and our future child just platonically. Also, my job wouldn't allow me to come back and I need to fulfill my contract in any case."

"I understand, Tony," she murmured quietly and laid back on the sofa, her face turning to the backrest. Now she had her answer: They would never be the family they were before. But could she really blame him? He had just started his new career, something she had always wanted for him and she didn't really want him to give that up. It was the perfect job for him. How many times had she put her job in first place? Many, many times too often. She had always relied on Tony, she had trusted him unconditionally with everything. It looked like the roles were reversed. He didn't want to be a half time father? What did that mean? He was so right: They were a lifetime away from resolving their conflicts.

Tony became calm and quiet. Mainly because he didn't want to stress her any longer with all that painful analyzing. At least he had summoned up the nerve to tell her that platonic living wasn't enough for him, but he wasn't sure that she got everything right. She had turned her back to him and had stopped talking. Later she went to bed early which seemed to be a good decision after all that had happened today. Their short trip to the hospital had shaken him up immensely and he continued to ponder her most direct and heart-wrenching question: what would have happened if she had lost their baby? Tony didn't even want to think about it. Her fear had affected him deeply and actually he didn't need to think about her question, he was sure of the answer. He would fight for a new start with Angela. The loss of their former relationship overwhelmed him and he suppressed a moan.

He would do everything to regain their friendship!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Tony rested on the couch in the living room, but his thoughts about Jonathan and Sam and what to tell them had kept him awake most of the night. He was certain that they both would be upset about the baby. They might be more upset about another truth they couldn't keep from them, the truth that their parents weren't together. Tony hated to tell them about Angela's and his inability to work things out. That wasn't something that parents do. Parents need to know everything. Parents had to do everything right. Parents shouldn't make such mistakes. Parents were supposed to be parents and nothing else. The ticking clock hadn't helped him to fall asleep either and at six he couldn't take it any longer. With one jerk he jumped up and folded the blanket. He went to the kitchen and looked for the ingredients for muffins. Maybe it was at least possible to cheer the children up with his baking and they would not take it so hard.

Angela had a good night. After the doctor had told her that everything was okay with her and the baby she had just decided to trust him and take better care of herself in the future. She felt a lot better this morning, relaxed and well rested. It was almost nine when she had showered and dressed. She thought a lot about Tony last night. She wasn't sure why he didn't want a family like they'd had before. She didn't understand him. It wasn't enough? What would that supposed to mean?

Sometimes she thought about what would have happened if Andy had been the father of her unborn child. Technically it was impossible, but Angela's mind couldn't stop thinking about that from time to time. Would he have a been a better father? No, certainly not. He didn't get along very well with Jonathan; she couldn't imagine Andy playing with a baby or a toddler. Angela instead was pretty good with children. She was warm and caring. And there was no denying the fact, in spite of all difficulties she was now in: she never loved Andy. He was a substitute; he had boosted her ego and had entertained her. He had helped her through the Kathleen disaster without even knowing about that. He was a nice man, but he wasn't a father figure.

Angela was still ashamed when she thought of her betrayal. Andy hadn't deserved such treatment and furthermore had still remained interested in her. She remembered the expression in his eyes after she told him about Tony. She had come directly out of Tony's warm bed to Andy's apartment and had told him everything without any forewarning. He had been angry, but his anger had turned to insight very fast. At first she felt flattered when he forgave her instantly, stunned by his generosity to overlook her flaws. Later she wasn't anymore. What man could forgive such a thing so quickly right before the wedding? And that after she had never slept with him? The only answer she could give herself was that she didn't mean so much to him, that he didn't care enough about her and when she was honest to herself, she didn't care so much about him either. It had been Tony she cared about, always.

When Angela went downstairs for breakfast a warm feeling overcame her. She made a silent decision; she would take whatever Tony was willing to offer her. If he wanted to be a part time father or wanted to stay in California, she would make everything easy for him, as easy as possible. She would have a lifelong connection with him and she was willing to live with that. If he gave her an opportunity to be more than the mother of his child, she would seize that chance with both hands. He had told her yesterday that he wanted to drive over to Brooklyn to see Mrs. Rossini and maybe some of his old buddies, but had promised to be back in the afternoon to tell the children about the baby. Something more they had to go through together.

So Angela wasn't surprised to find him dressed in a leather jacket, ready to go out. She had offered him her Jaguar for the drive and he had accepted it teeth-gnashingly. Inwardly she had smiled. She knew exactly that it was embarrassing for him to drive to Brooklyn in such a showboat but since his Jeep wasn't available he had no other choice.

"Hey, how do you feel today? Is everything okay? No more bleeding?" his voice almost tender. The previous day had scared him more than he could admit to himself.

Angela shook her head.

"I'm okay, more than okay. I'm feeling so much better and I slept wonderfully. In fact, I felt the baby kicking a lot this morning and I take it as good sign."

"Are you sure? I can cancel my visit in Brooklyn easily, it isn't a big deal."

"No Tony, please. You haven't seen Mrs. Rossini for so long. Really I'm feeling good."

"Angela? Are you comfortable with me telling her about the baby?"

Angela considered shortly then nodded affirmatively. "She needs to know it anyway and she will be thrilled I suppose and since it is you on your own who must handle her, I'm positive." She smiled, secretly relieved that she didn't have to stand Mrs. Rossini's motherly feelings.

"Okay, thank you. I'll see you later." He stroked her arm shortly and left the kitchen through the back door.

She took a seat at the table and with a shake of her head she pitched into all the food Tony had left for her on the table.

Later….

Jonathan arrived around midday and was told by his mother to make no plans for the afternoon. Not that he had some, but he was surprised by the seriousness with which his mom had talked to him. Slowly but surely he was worried about her. "What could it be that she was so nervous about? It must have something to do with Tony even though they hadn't looked very happy together," Jonathan considered back and forth. He was curious but had to wait for Sam's arrival. Providentially she came early, the same curiosity had struck her. Unfortunately the two of them had no chance to guess about the peculiar behavior of their parents.

Tony had managed to place all of them in the kitchen before anyone could do anything about it. He had filled the cups with coffee and tea and to everyone's surprise Angela took the tea without grouching. The muffins had also been accepted very quickly.

"Jonathan, how was your trip? I mean at least you had two days for fishing. Were you successful?" Tony started a conversation.

"Not really, Peter's father had caught the most fish but the hiking was nice, at least until Peter sprained his ankle. We had to steady him all the way back, he couldn't walk. Well, that's it."

Meanwhile Samantha tapped her fingers nervously on the table. She just wasn't the most patient person on earth. While her father and Jonathan were talking about the short trip she tried to control her impatience, but it came to point she could no longer contain herself and burst out.

"Dad, what is this here? You invited me over to a place where you don't live anymore. You had excuses over excuses when you talked to me yesterday. You're hiding something from me, I can feel that, Dad. What is it? Are you sick? Is Angela sick?" Sam couldn't keep her worries silent any longer and looked from one to another.

"To my biggest regret, I must support Sam here," Jonathan agreed, "something is going on here. Mom, I want you to tell us.

Angela breathed in deeply. This was the moment she was so afraid of. Like Tony she had decided that nothing but the truth could help here. She looked over to Tony who gave her an encouraging smile.

"Sam, Jonathan. You both are right. We have something to tell you, something that needs further explanation, " Angela slipped restlessly on her chair, "It's really difficult for me… for us to tell you. "

"Something has happened, something we never planned, but it happened and we all need to live with that, "Tony intervened to Angela's support.

"Spit it out, Dad. What is it?" Sam looked from one to another.

"It's that… I'm…," Angela stuttered.

"What we are trying to say is… Angela is… ," Tony laid his hand on Angela's arm and looked squarely in his daughter's eyes, " Angela is pregnant."

"Mom?" Jonathan eyes questioned his mother.

"Yes, sweetheart it's true."

"Angela how … I mean I know how, but… I never expected this," Sam managed to get out, " and why isn't Andy here? I mean, I know the wedding is off, but… ."

"Sam, Andy isn't the father, " Tony paused and swallowed, " it's me… I am the father. Angela and I will have a baby."

"Whoah, this is a surprise, " Jonathan said excited, " so the bride is the same but the groom changed?"

"Jonathan it isn't like that. It's much more complicated. We are… Your mother and I aren't together."

"So if Angela and you, Dad, aren't _together _how is there a pregnancy?"

"Sam, I know this must sound weird to you and it's not how we raised you two. We had rules for you, moral standards and we've tried to teach you values and respect and despite all of it we… we aren't perfect parents, we haven't lived up to our own values because we… , " Tony stopped talking to gather himself.

Angela laid her hand on his, trying to calm him.

"Sam, all that I can say is… we lost control and I didn't take care," Angela gave in.

"No, Angela. _We _didn't take care. It's not you, it's we."

"So you're pregnant, you both didn't take care for birth control, you both aren't together, you both are sitting here telling us crap," Sam jumped from the chair angrily, "what are you gonna do, Dad? Will you come back to Fairfield? Or do you wanna be a part time Dad? This is shit, shit, shit. You two always belonged together and not even a baby can make you two a couple? Imagine if that happened to me, Dad. What would you say? You would freak out! I don't know what's going on here, but I don't like it!"

"Sam, Angela and I are trying. We're trying to work something out, find a solution that fits for everyone. But we aren't through, we need more time," Tony tried to explain.

"It doesn't matter! It's wrong. Marry her, Dad. Come back and everything will be all right!"

With that Sam stormed out of the door. Angela and Tony sighed in unison.

"I knew something like that would happen," Tony murmured with gritted teeth.

"But she is right, Tony. I hate to admit it, but I'm of the same opinion. What would you say if I knocked up a girl and…"

"Jonathan!" Angela called aghast.

"You don't need to call you mother knocked up, Jonathan Bower."

"But that's what you've done and now you don't want her anymore…. I'm disappointed," Jonathan rose from the chair.

"No that's not true. I do…, "with a side glance to Angela he stopped abruptly.

"Please, spare me the crap!" Jonathan ran out into the backyard to keep Sam company.

He found her sitting on the swing. He sat down, leaning against the oak tree.

"So we both get a sibling."

"Leave me alone! What do you know about it?"

"Sam! Could you behave like a human being at least for today? I'm seventeen and not a baby anymore! This concerns us both. We need a plan."

"I'm living at the dorm anyway. You'll have more of the fun."

"Tell me why they aren't together, Sam? I can't believe it. I know mom loves Tony and he loves her. I got crazy when she wanted to marry Andy. She never had an intense feeling for the stupid doctor. Why the hell aren't they together?"

"Something must have happened we don't know about. Something they want to keep private and not tell us, "Sam guessed.

"They'll try to work it out, Sam. And we should give them some credit. Tony was always a good father to me and mom was like a mother to you. They obviously need some privacy and time. We should give it to them. Yes, I am disappointed…just like you, but we need to trust them. They had always solved their problems."

Sam had calmed down a bit and seemed more relaxed now.

"You're not as stupid as you look like. "

"And maybe a sibling won't be that bad. It could affect our nice brother-sister relationship as well."

"Yeah, yeah. I know, but I can't deal with all this in one day, " she jumped from the swing, "can you tell Dad I need to go home and think about it?"

"I'll do so, Sam?"

"Hmm?"

"They'll handle it"

"I hope you're not barking up the wrong tree. They're so stupid in their relationship."

With these words Sam left the backyard. Jonathan entered the kitchen again only to find two adults sitting in silence.

"She is okay, Tony. She just needs some time to get used to it, like me. I'm leaving; this crap makes me want to barf." He left the room, angry.

Tony and Angela looked at each other. The conversation had demanded a lot from them and they both felt exhausted.

"I'm sorry, Tony. He shouldn't have talked to you like that."

"You don't have to apologize for him. It's my fault, I disappointed him. He has every right to be angry at me. I haven't played by my own rules. I was the one who stepped out of this family when I dated Kathleen."

"Tony, we agreed that everything went wrong in Jamaica, didn't we?" Angela stated vehemently, " so stop saying that."

"Yes, I must admit you had a point when you explained that to me." Tony answered, not really excited to be reminded to that again, "I still feel guilty about what I did afterwards."

"So do I."

"We can't turn back time, Angela. We can't change our past."

An idea began to form in Angela's head, growing with each passing second. Could it be possible?

"What if we can? Would you at least try? Would you try to act like you actually wanted to act last time we were there?"

Tony tried to follow her thoughts. "I think I would, but like I said: what's done is done. We don't have a miraculous time machine to get us back to normality."

"What if we had the opportunity to retry?"

"I don't really understand, what are you saying here? That we should pretend nothing happened? I can't! The guilt is always in my head, Angela. I can't get rid of it," he said more harshly than intended.

Angela lowered her eyes, trying to make her thoughts more transparent to him.

"I want us to go back to Jamaica, Tony."

"But we talked about it already."

"I don't mean talking, Tony. I want to go back for real. I want to be there with you again. I want to try!"

"You want us to go to Jamaica again?"

Angela paced through the room, putting special emphasis to her words.

"I know it sounds silly and ridiculous, I know we don't have a time machine, but what if we can change our past in… let's say an unconditional way?" Could it be possible to bring things back again to the right place?"

Tony watched her expression and the vehemence of her statements caught him. Wasn't it worth a try? If not this, what then? Tony decided that taking the chance to change the past to build a new future might sound schizophrenic, but if there would be a minimal possibility to make everything better than the first time he wanted to take it.

"If you really want to do this trip, Angela, I'm with you. It's only… I can't go on vacation right now. I just started my job. The next opportunity will be in December during Christmas break, when you are 6 months pregnant. You're sure you want to take that tiring journey? I don't want you to overtax yourself."

"I won't. Travelling is one of the things I'm relaxed about. The take offs and the landings worry me a bit, but the minute the plane is in the sky, I'll fall asleep, you know that."

Tony nodded. He remembered vividly their last trip to Jamaica. Everyone had chatted loudly and Angela had slept peacefully with her head on his shoulder, unaware of Mona's and the children's meaningful looks. Tony had woken her up shortly before the landing with a tender stroke of her cheek what not escaped Mona's attention. She had given him a thumbs up and a smile.

"I'll do everything to fix this… family. If it's that what you really want, I'll go for it."

Angela let out a relieved sigh.

"Then it's settled. I'll take care of the flights and the hotel reservation."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Tony stretched his arms when the plane landed in San Diego early this morning. He couldn't believe it had been three months since he had last seen Angela. Three months! Their overcrowded schedules had made it impossible to do anything more than exchange some phone calls with each other. But irregular long distance phone calls were a weak substitute and could not to compare to seeing each other in person. Angela had sent him some ultrasound images of the baby and he had happily pinned them on the magnet board in his kitchen. But he couldn't thrust aside the regrets he had, leaving her alone during the important months of pregnancy.

When Tony crossed the arrivals hall, he was nervous and excited. He knew that Angela had been in San Diego for two days, once again consulting with her client. They had decided to meet at a Starbuck's. It was a weird place to meet after that long time, but the connecting flight to Jamaica had made it necessary.

For the first time in seven years the family wouldn't be together at Christmas, but nobody other than him seemed to note it. Samantha had been invited over to Hank's parents. Her relationship to the puppeteer doctor had become more serious over the months and they both had visited him for a long weekend a few weeks ago. Tony had started to like his daughter's new boyfriend. Jonathan had planned a ski trip to Vermont where he had worked over the summer. He would be safe and sound there with a friend and his parents. And Mona? Well, Mona had found something for sure. She would be able to date Santa Claus himself if she put her mind to it.

As Tony made his way through the airport, he still wasn't quite sure what to think about Angela's idea of going back to Jamaica, but he was willing to go through this with her. Once he made it to the food court, he started looking for her. Finally, he saw her in the crowd, a rolling suitcase in her right hand and the inevitable briefcase in her left. She looked gorgeous, the pregnancy made her even more beautiful. It forced her to wear flat shoes, but that didn't diminish her appearance. Tony couldn't wait any longer and ran over to her. Angela was obviously searching for him when he stopped right in front of her.

"Looking for someone?" he asked, his heart beating faster than usual.

"I'm looking for a handsome Italian man, seems he isn't here… ," she teased.

"I was looking for an incredibly beautiful woman, but it seems I found her… ."

They stopped their bantering and their eyes became sincere.

"Hi, Angela," he said softly.

"Hi Tony," she whispered back and placed her luggage on the floor.

In an instant he wrapped his arms around her and embraced her tightly. For a moment the noise from the overfilled airport subsided and they felt as if they were the only two people in the world. She had missed him so much. All her hopes were pinned to that upcoming vacation now. When he pulled away and let her go it was only because he wanted to place his hand on her wonderful rounded belly. Usually he was a modest person when it came to such intimate gestures in public, but he urgently needed to feel a connection to his baby. To his surprise he felt motion under his hand.

"Oh, hi there. Do you remember me? It's me, your 'most of the time absent father'," he greeted his baby with his usual 'Tony baby voice'.

Angela just smiled.

"Thank you for the cassettes, I play them every day. So she knows your voice and you aren't that absent for her."

Tony had sent Angela two cassettes; on the first he had sung some children's songs and lullabies and on the second he had read one of Angela's favorite books, _The Little Prince _by Saint-Exupéry. Angela had been moved to tears when she put that cassette into the player for the first time and had listened to Tony's wonderful full voice, reading the sweet little stories.

"A 'she'?" he asked, "do you know more than I know?"

"No. I don't know if it's a 'she', it's more a feeling. I can't explain that. It's just when you're talking to our baby on the cassettes it sounds like you're talking to a 'she'."

"I guess, I thought I was reading to Samantha. I did that when she was toddler. Angela, we need to check in, give me your luggage."

Angela handed him her suitcase and put her briefcase on top of it and they made their way to the check -in counter.

Later they sat in the plane and waited for takeoff. Angela got nervous like always and grabbed Tony's hand. He squeezed it and didn't let go of it even after the plane had been in the air for fifteen minutes. He had missed touching her.

"I want to thank you for the ultrasounds and the… the other picture. I'm sure you weren't very comfortable about it, but I… I wanted it so much."

The slight grin on her face told him he was right with his assumption. Mona had made a side view picture of her three weeks ago. She had worn a tight shirt and yoga pants, so her bigger built belly was seen very obviously. She had been amazed when he had asked her for a photo like that, but she remembered very quickly that there was no picture of her in his beach house. So she swallowed her pride and was more than happy and willing to fulfill his wish.

"You're welcome, "she answered and gripped his hand more tightly, "would it bother you if I take a nap? Today was quite exhausting."

"It's a long flight, Angela. Sleep however long you're able to. I would never keep a pregnant woman from napping."

"Good." In no time, she closed her eyes and fell into a peaceful sleep. Later her head fell down on Tony's shoulder and he, sitting in the middle seat, was jammed between her and a snoring man to his right side. Tony didn't dare to make a move, not wanting to wake her up and so he was trapped in his place for more than two hours. He used the time to think about what might happen in Jamaica. Could there be so much of a difference to their first time there? And more important, did he even want that? He looked down to the sleeping beauty at his side and stroked away a strand of her hair. She surely had so many hopes for this journey, but what about him? What if he messed up everything again? Would she reject him? Like that day… that cursed day he wanted to erase from his memories. Would he ever be able to overcome that day?

Tony had felt lonely the last three months and had thought of Angela every single day. She was his first thought in the morning and the last one at night. He wanted to give their friendship a shot. He wanted to try and he decided to go for it.

When they arrived at the hotel it was almost midnight. Angela had booked two separate rooms with a connecting door. In spite of all the napping on the plane she was out before her head touched the pillow. Tony unpacked the suitcases, hers as well as his. It wasn't his job anymore, but he was so used to it that he hadn't even realized that he might be crossing a line until he detected an orange dress in her luggage. It was the one she had worn when she had danced in front of all those people and of course in front of him. He smiled, not really knowing why she had packed it. She wouldn't fit into it anymore, but maybe she brought it for sentimental reasons. He wasn't exactly sure if he should close the door between their rooms, but decided to leave it open.

Later while he rested in bed with his arms behind his neck he tried to relax. The flight had been long but nice, with Angela lying so close to him. Slowly, he drifted into sleep.

Angela woke up when the first daylight broke through her window. She checked her watch and groaned. Her muscles were tense. It was early, just a few minutes past five. Noticing the open bedroom door she climbed out of bed and walked through it. She glanced at Tony, who slept peacefully on his side. Quietly she kneeled down beside his bed. A sweaty strand of hair had fallen on his forehead and she stroked it away tenderly. If he only knew how she felt about him. She had never told him about her recent feelings, but weren't they here to figure it out? He groaned in his sleep, but seemed suddenly aware of her proximity.

"Angela, something wrong? Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm all right," she whispered, "I'm sorry I didn't want to wake you up. You must be tired, sleep on!" She wanted to stand up from the floor, but to her surprise he held her back.

"You can't go back to sleep?"

"No, my back hurts. It's from the long flight."

"Come in, I'll give you a massage." He pulled the thin blanket aside and reluctantly Angela crawled in. The sudden closeness almost made her breathless.

"Turn around," he demanded softly. Angela turned his back to him. She just wore a thin top and sleeping shorts, the heat in Jamaica made everything else superfluous.

Tony pulled the top further up and placed his hands on her smooth skin. From the back her pregnancy was almost invisible. Carefully he started kneading her tense muscles and he could feel her relax under his hands. He was good at massaging, he knew that. She fell asleep again within few minutes.

They woke up, spooned and feeling comfortable, when the sun stood already high in the sky.

"Tony, I'm sorry I fell asleep in here," she said awkwardly and sat up on the bedside, feeling the loss of his protective arms immediately.

"Hey, I invited you, didn't I? Feelin' better? Any pain?

"No. I feel more relaxed than ever."

"Let's see whether there is some breakfast for us."

After an extensive breakfast they decided to visit the seaport of Montego Bay, an excursion they hadn't made their last time in Jamaica. Both of them were excited about the variety of vegetation and the old plantation houses. Tony had taken Angela's hand while walking over the uneven ground. He didn't want her stumble. Obviously she enjoyed the contact, because any time she had briefly dropped his hand to show him something, she then quickly slipped it back in his.

Over the next days they enjoyed their meals together, eating the variety of fish and seafood. The warm wind and the sun made them feel as though they were living in a different world. A world, where everything that happened before never existed and so the days passed. Some with more excursions, some in lazy slowness and lethargy while sunbathing and relaxing.

Angela preferred the shadow and relaxed under a sunshade. At her state of pregnancy she wasn't comfortable with too much sun. She had felt shy and embarrassed at first. Going to the beach in a bathing suit that showed a lot of her huge belly made her feel extremely insecure. Having a handsome man at her side didn't even make that any better. At first she had been certain that Tony would look around for pretty girls and in fact he got a lot of looks from women travelling alone, but he never seemed to notice. He only had eyes for her and they made up for the lost three months, talking to each other about everything under the sun. He told her funny stories about his job, how good he felt that he made it there. She had told him about her growing agency and how she got more and more clients, now even in California. It was almost like nothing had ever happened and both enjoyed the quality time together.

But they never ended up in bed together like that first night when Tony had massaged her back. He was still too hesitant in his touch. He was holding hands with her, caressing her belly but that was it. One day she had kissed him on the cheek out of reflex, showing gratitude for bringing her a fruit juice and he had placed his hand on his cheek after her kiss. He had looked at her, surprised, but for one singular second his desire was visible. She thought of apologizing for her sudden little attack but decided against it. It was spontaneous and she wanted it; that's what they were here for, to find a way to live their life as parents again.

On their last evening they had an exclusive dinner outside of the restaurant. Both had been quiet, they knew all this had come to an end and they had still not spoken about the future.

Tony's thoughts had wandered around the entire day. After these wonderful days he was more certain of what he wanted, but was she too? He didn't know. She had been close to him all the days and her tender kiss that one day made him almost certain that she had still feelings for him that went deeper than friendship. He always kept in mind that they needed to be open to rescuing whatever there might be to rescue. Tony suggested one last walk on the beach and they had pulled their shoes off, walking slowly over the sand. They didn't talk much, both knowing that this had to be the night of decision. They landed, like led by a magic hand, by that small bench they had talked on a year earlier. Both sat down, unsure what to say.

Tony wanted to explain so much and decided to take the first step.

"So," he said and locked eyes with her.

"Here we are again," she managed to say, but couldn't hide the fear that suddenly crawled up her body.

Tony nodded and intertwined his hands with Angela's. They were cold and a bit shaky.

"Angela, we are at the crossroads and we need to make a decision. Today, now! We can't postpone the subject forever."

"I know," she whispered, her eyes on their connected hands.

Tony inhaled deeply.

"The last time I said I didn't exactly have a ball," he paused, then talked again, "I can't say that this time. I had a ball. The last days have been wonderful for me. I… I enjoyed every single minute with you."

"So did I. I liked the time we spent together. I just wish it would have been like this the last time."

"Good."

"Good."

" I need to give you an explanation for something I said when we met in Fairfield. When we were in that park where… ."

"Where I overreacted?"

"You didn't overreact. Let's say you were driven by pregnancy hormones, okay?"

Tony tried to get his head together. This was the most important talk in his life and didn't want to leave one stone unturned in working everything out.

"Angela, you said you wanted a family again."

"And you said a family isn't enough for you."

"But I didn't dare to give you further explanations."

"What would those be?"

"Like I want us to be a family too. Like I want us to be couple. Like I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Like I want you like no other woman in the world. Like… I love you. I need you, as my partner, my friend, my supporter, my soulmate and my lover. I can't forget that night you came to me, so daring and so … trusting at the same time. It meant everything to me. Look, last time I said I didn't know about us. I'd said I didn't know whether I would work for you, marry you or date you and live elsewhere. Well, I don't work for you anymore and I live elsewhere, but I know I love you. No matter what comes, I always will. I want you in my life forever." Tony didn't move and made no signs to show her his love.

Angela was overwhelmed. Tony had never been a man who used grand words but his speech had touched her heart. Everything she had dreamed of had come true. He loved her! But she still had the feeling that there was something that held him back.

"Tony, " she called out his name softly, "you made me the happiest woman in the world. I love you too. I always have."

"You do?" he asked, "ooh." Motionless he glanced at their hands, still the only physical connection.

"What is it, Tony? It's not all you have to say, I can feel it, there is more. You must tell me."

He looked into her eyes and she realized he felt the same fear and pain she felt at the beginning of their talk.

"I'm afraid we can't make it, Angela. What if we fail? What if I make mistakes? I'm afraid that you… ," he stopped unable to go on.

"That I what?"

"That you'll give up on us again. Like that day after the night we had. The day in your office."

Now it was out and Angela completely understood. That's why he acted so reluctantly.

"You think I would reject you, send you away again, don't you?"

"Yes. That's what I fear the most. I wouldn't survive that, Angela. The day in your office I wanted to die."

Angela closed the distance between them. Slowly, she cupped his face.

"Look at me," she whispered softly, "that will never happen again. Never. The moment you closed the door behind you I knew I made a mistake. An unforgivable mistake, but my pride got in the way. But believe me, I've learned my lesson. I will always swallow my pride for you. My life is nothing without you. We've come from so far and look, we made it. And it will always be this way. I love you, Tony Micelli and I never let you go out of my life again." She stroked his face and let her hands drop, waiting for his reaction.

Tony couldn't believe what he heard. She was a victim of her pride, just like he was all the earlier years. His heart became as light as a summer breeze. He took her hands and held them to his heart.

"I promise you, I'll do whatever I can for us." Slowly he let go of her hands, cupped her face and slowly pressed his lips on hers. Angela closed her eyes and let herself fall into this kiss. A kiss which showed her his love, unconditional and sincere and she knew she would never doubt their love again. This kiss was different to the one they shared on this bench so long ago, it wasn't filled with the passionate desperation they had felt then. It was a kiss between two people who were meant to be together and were sure about it.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

When Tony woke up the next morning he found himself alone in bed. A short moment of disorientation made him almost jump out of it, but he relaxed when he heard Angela talking quietly on the phone. Relieved, he rested back on his pillow and stared at the ceiling, silently smiling. The night he had shared with Angela had been incredible. Their lovemaking had eliminated all earlier doubts. After their open talk on the bench there was no going back. From now on they would only be moving forward and he never wanted to step back again. Tony heard the phone receiver clicking and knew she had ended her call. A second later she was back, pulling off her robe and sliding under the blanket. Tony wrapped his arms around her and he felt simply happy.

"Was our lovemaking so bad that you didn't want to wake up with me, my beautiful?"

Angela laughed softly. Nothing had been bad last night. It was the most beautiful night ever. After they had come back to their room they both needed proximity and had sunk on the bed together. At first Angela got anxious when Tony had taken her clothes off, piece by piece. Tenderly and carefully he had explored every part of her body. Being seven months pregnant made her question her physical appearance. But Tony had taken away all her fears and had made certain that she knew she thought she was the most desirable woman he'd ever seen and the way he had shown it to her had brought back her self-assuredness. They had made love cautiously and their intense feelings for each other made them more deeply connected than ever. They had looked in each other's eyes while making love in exquisite slow motions and when they both reached undreamed heights of ecstasy they had been pressed together and neither of them wanted to let the other go. Angela hadn't been able to hold back her tears of happiness and neither could Tony. Their tears had mixed and he had kissed her hungrily and desperately.

"Seeing and feeling you at my side this morning was wonderful, Tony. Why did we waste so much time?"

"I don't know, baby. I really don't know. The past months without you and our uncertain situation was… it was horrible for me."

"For me too." I'm feeling so bad about the lost time."

"I never want to lose time with you again. I just can't! I'll quit my job in L.A., Angela. I've already lost the last three months of your pregnancy. I can't imagine not being there for you when our baby is born and it's impossible that I'll leave you alone in Fairfield after you've given birth. No, Angela! I can't leave you alone again. I'm going to quit as soon I'm back home. It'll be difficult to find something similar around Fairfield but I don't care." Tony rested on his elbow and stroked her belly with light circles. There was no way that he would separate himself from her. Never again.

"You… you would do that? You would give up everything you've achieved in meantime? For me? Without having a job in Fairfield?" Angela was overwhelmed, her stomach did flip flops.

"Sweetheart, I'd do anything for you! If you don't need a housekeeper there is another possibility," he smiled and painted a smiley on her bare belly with his finger.

Angela giggled and held his hand. "That tickles. What possibility?"

"I could mow the lawn in Central Park."

Angela stopped giggling immediately. "Oh, Tony," she murmured close to tears. Turning on her side, she looked in his warm brown eyes. "You're a wonderful man." She snuggled closer to him and decided to tell him what she had just settled on the phone a few minutes earlier.

"Tony?"

"Hmm?" Tony had shut his eyes and was still daydreaming with Angela in his arms.

"I talked to mother on the phone. She needs to do something for me."

"Like what?"

"She needs to organize my schedule," Angela hesitated shortly, "and she would like to run the agency, at least for a time." She breathed in. What would he say to her suggestion? Tony, what would you say if I moved to L.A? Do you want me there?"

Tony opened his eyes and looked into her questioning eyes. "Do I want you there? Angela! Of course I want you there! But how would it work? You can't leave the Agency, can you? Not for such a long time. I still have spring semester and summer school to teach on my contract."

"But you need this job, Tony. I don't want you to quit. You never know whether you could get an opportunity like this again or not! All you've worked so hard for could be lost. I don't want that burden on my shoulders or on yours! I need to reduce my working time anyway and I can do some work from L.A. I have those new clients in San Diego; all I need is a phone and a fax. I'm flexible, Tony. Although you told me once that I'm not," she explained, grinning.

Tony couldn't believe what she told him, that she would give up on the agency for so long to let him fulfill his contract. "Angela, are you sure you want to do this?" I mean there is not much space in the small little beach house, it's not like Oak Hills Drive," he asked uncertainly, "and I do apologize. You're the most flexible woman I ever knew."

Angela laid her hands on his cheek and pulled him closer. "I don't need space, it's just the opposite I need. I need you close to me. Please, say yes and it will be proved that my inflexibility is gone forever."

"How can I resist such an offer? And I'm not just thinking about you in the beach house, I'm thinking of kissing you right now and making love to you again."

"I guess, we'll find a solution for both, " she kissed him deeply.

"So our baby will be a surfer?" he murmured between two kisses.

"I'm sure 'he' or 'she' will like the ocean. I'm good at giving swimming lessons," she answered low voiced. How could he make her feel like this? She was on fire when he touched her breast and closed her eyes to give herself to his knowing hands.

"I don't want to leave this bed for the rest of my life," he whispered in her ear.

"Well, I will. I can't wait to make love with you without this huge thing."

"This huge thing is our baby!" Tony protested, "and I love making love to you no matter how you look. You're always beautiful."

"You don't know how I'll look when I'm eighty."

"Angela, I will always love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Angela took his hands which had been resting on her hips in hers. "So will I," she whispered and squirmed a bit restlessly. There was something on her mind and she didn't know how to bring the subject up but there was no way out, it had to be said.

"Tony, about the rest of our lives…. You… You aren't thinking of marriage, are you?" Angela asked anxiously. She knows he was a kind of old-fashioned man and had his difficulties accepting the fact that the world had changed.

"Wouldn't you be ready to say yes?" He stroked her face and placed his hand under her chin. There wasn't a thing he would like more than to marry her, but maybe it would be too fast for her.

"Tony, I just cancelled a wedding with Andy a few months ago. I don't feel ready to think about a wedding again."

"So you want to live in sin with me?"

"It isn't a sin to love somebody, and I love you," Angela placed her hand on his bare hip.

"I love you too," he mouthed in her ear, very aware of her soft hand on his body, "and I promise I'll wait until you're ready to be asked." He leaned in and kissed her, " but I insist on Micelli as the last name and I want you to know that I am ready to marry you. Just give me a hint when you are too, I'm prepared."

"You're prepared?" she asked, not really understanding, " what do you mean?"

"The wedding rings are waiting for us in Fairfield."

"Oh, " she said and a wave of happiness floated over her, " you mean the rings I found in your drawer are… they are….you bought them for us?"

"I see you found them," Tony smiled and started kissing her neck.

"Why did you leave them behind?"

"I wanted you to find them, I wanted you to wonder about them."

"I did find them and I thought a lot about them," she murmured, sighing under his kisses, "when did you buy the rings?"

"I bought them a short time after I broke up with… you know. I was so sure that it was merely a matter of time until you kicked Andy out of your life but you thumbed your nose to me."

"The rings are beautiful, Tony. So plain and classy. Why did you chose those rings especially?"

Tony laughed and made a mysterious face.

"I thought those rings were exactly the opposite from what we are. They are pure and simple where we are unbelievably complicated."

"I couldn't have made a better choice and I promise I'm going to wear my ring some day. Give me some time."

"As much as you want and need," Tony whispered, "but one more question. What will happen to Jonathan if you stay in L.A?"I thought, you wouldn't want to leave him alone for that long," Tony said, drawing his index finger between her breasts. With her pregnancy they had grown and he loved to place his hands on them, slowly twiddling her nipples with his thumbs.

"Tony, I can't talk to you when you're doing this to me," she uttered, her breath speeding up, "I'll give him a ticket whenever he wants and he can stay for some weeks after he finished school. Tony… you don't know what you're doing to me." She pressed herself to him.

"Hey, do you think I'm a man who doesn't know what he does? I know exactly what I'm doing," he teased her.

"I'm sure, you do," she whispered and then the talking stopped and the touching started and if they hadn't become hungry after all, they would have stayed in the bed for the rest of the day.

* * *

Epilogue

Angela sat on the terrace in a rocking chair and watched the waves which were rolling on the sand. She was nursing little Elena who was three months old and her parents thought, of course, that she was the cutest little baby that had ever been born in the sat close to her, stroking the fluffy hair of his newborn daughter with one hand and Angela's cheek with the other. The deep sun was falling down in the ocean and switched the daylight into an orange fire sky. The past year had been a whirlwind of events, but since Angela had moved to Santa Monica everything had become relaxed and calm. The birth of baby Elena had strengthened their sense of togetherness and finally all problems had vanished into nowhere. Only a few more weeks and they would go home, home to Fairfield and to the rest of the family. The months Tony and Angela lived together in the beach house had been wonderful, but both admitted that they missed their former life in Fairfield a lot. Jonathan and Samantha had flown over a few times and both had been enthusiastic about their cute little sister. The smallish beach house had almost burst from the seams at those times, but the crowding made them all closer than ever. They all looked forward to a brand new life.


End file.
